so you can call this a test pattern
Filed under: angsty pantsing, bookworming, just rambling, life's like that, rewind pause play, soundtripping, unplanned downtime, work work work
i'm in a slump again--a blogging slump, that is. so here i am, taking one thing at a time:
i now want to get into fashion--photography, styling and make-up. (yes, i know that it's so unlike me. hehe.)
being an AE is not for me. i'm just too darn honest, not to mention impatient, pessimistic and unforgiving. i have arrived at the point where i hate having to talk to clients (which, ironically, is my primary job). i used to think that i this job was handed to me because i need it--because i need to learn patience, etc. but now i think it's just here to annoy me (kidding). anyway, you live and learn: this job's just not for me.
therefore, I'M FOR HIRE (again). will do almost anything for money. compensation is negotiable.
i miss a lot of things (again) lately: being with friends, studying something, having the courage to say and do the things that i want to, believing that i made the right decision.
needless to say (but i'm saying it anyway-- damn another cliche), i've been in an emotional fuckfest for some days now and i can't blame it on my period.
i think that i may be losing my touch with movies. hope not.
i finished reading Candide by Voltaire a few days ago. great book. wanted to write about it. hope i can think of something.
i'm broke.
and of course i just had to come across this song:
i now want to get into fashion--photography, styling and make-up. (yes, i know that it's so unlike me. hehe.)
being an AE is not for me. i'm just too darn honest, not to mention impatient, pessimistic and unforgiving. i have arrived at the point where i hate having to talk to clients (which, ironically, is my primary job). i used to think that i this job was handed to me because i need it--because i need to learn patience, etc. but now i think it's just here to annoy me (kidding). anyway, you live and learn: this job's just not for me.
therefore, I'M FOR HIRE (again). will do almost anything for money. compensation is negotiable.
i miss a lot of things (again) lately: being with friends, studying something, having the courage to say and do the things that i want to, believing that i made the right decision.
needless to say (but i'm saying it anyway-- damn another cliche), i've been in an emotional fuckfest for some days now and i can't blame it on my period.
i think that i may be losing my touch with movies. hope not.
i finished reading Candide by Voltaire a few days ago. great book. wanted to write about it. hope i can think of something.
i'm broke.
and of course i just had to come across this song:
Test Pattern by The Thermals
I believe, I believe
I could see, I could see
forever in my hand
but I believe, I believe
I could leave and if you notice
then you would understand
and so I feel alone
wide and low
I feel you suffering sad
cause I believe, I believe
I could see, I could see
forever in my hand
so you can call this a test pattern
so you don't have to commit
so you could change any day
I believe, I believe
you could see, you could see
me forever by his side
and I believe, I believe
if you leave, if you leave
I will cry, I will cry, I will cry
why do I feel so crazy now
why am I losing my mind
cause I believe, I believe
you could see me forever by his side
still you can call this a test pattern
so you don't have to commit
so you can change any day
i finally got this template to work!!! :)
still a few bugs to figure out though...
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[warning: mushpit and angstgarden ahead]
i have been thinking about him a lot recently. i hate it. he's on my mind all the freaking time. i think about us: where we are and where we're headed. and it hurts.
i like him A LOT. i like us A LOT. i knew from the start that this isn't going to be easy. i knew that it's probably a bad decision for us to be this way. but what did i do? nothing. did i say anything? no. and after several weeks, i am like other girls. i got attached. but i'm not really surprised.
unfortunately, i feel that i'm alone in this. i may be ready, but he's not. heck, i don't even think that he wants something more than what we have now. then again, i don't blame him; it is me, after all. he probably realizes how difficult it is to be with me. (wow. it's me liking a person who doesn't like me back. what a surprise.)
honestly, my heart aches when i think about him. it really freakin' hurts. it's the crushing feeling all over again. and i feel that if this goes on any longer i'll freakin' BREAK.
whew.
still a few bugs to figure out though...
-----------
[warning: mushpit and angstgarden ahead]
i have been thinking about him a lot recently. i hate it. he's on my mind all the freaking time. i think about us: where we are and where we're headed. and it hurts.
i like him A LOT. i like us A LOT. i knew from the start that this isn't going to be easy. i knew that it's probably a bad decision for us to be this way. but what did i do? nothing. did i say anything? no. and after several weeks, i am like other girls. i got attached. but i'm not really surprised.
unfortunately, i feel that i'm alone in this. i may be ready, but he's not. heck, i don't even think that he wants something more than what we have now. then again, i don't blame him; it is me, after all. he probably realizes how difficult it is to be with me. (wow. it's me liking a person who doesn't like me back. what a surprise.)
honestly, my heart aches when i think about him. it really freakin' hurts. it's the crushing feeling all over again. and i feel that if this goes on any longer i'll freakin' BREAK.
whew.
my thoughts exactly.
Filed under: angsty pantsing
to cut to the chase, i'm feeling like shit. here i am again, in this "phase" of not knowing what to do with my life. wait, let me correct that--i don't know what the heck i want to do with my life, and that's way worse.
basically, i'm in jobhunting mode once more. and i'm getting tired of it. 2 jobs in 2 years? that's terrible. and now i'm going for job numero tres. great. good if i already know what i want to do in the long run. but then again, i'm perpetually indecisive and easily impatient. just great. sales? advertising? marketing? photography? IT? to bum, or not to bum? like, WHAT THE FUCK. can i just disappear and get this life thing over and done with? sheesh.
today at work i burst into tears over something so insignificant. my tearducts have a mind of their own, so even if i didn't want to cry over it, it just can't be helped. it's not the stress--hello, how could i be stressed over my so-called work?
and even now as i'm typing this, my tearducts decided that they want another go at it. and this absolutely sucks. what the fuck, i can't even control my own eyes?! how am i supposed to control my life if i can't control my lacrimal glands?!
i guess it's the frustration that i'm not able to meet my own expectations. this sounds a bit mayabang(?), but for most of my life, i have never failed at anything. i may not be the best, but i sure don't fail. it's just not an option. and i guess there's a time for everything, and hence, it's THAT time in my life. woohoo, meet the failure. of course, like everything else in my lucky, lucky life, there couldn't be a better timing. great. when the hell would i be out of this goddamn motherfucking shithole?
and nothing's helping.
this is really one of the times when i just want to
basically, i'm in jobhunting mode once more. and i'm getting tired of it. 2 jobs in 2 years? that's terrible. and now i'm going for job numero tres. great. good if i already know what i want to do in the long run. but then again, i'm perpetually indecisive and easily impatient. just great. sales? advertising? marketing? photography? IT? to bum, or not to bum? like, WHAT THE FUCK. can i just disappear and get this life thing over and done with? sheesh.
today at work i burst into tears over something so insignificant. my tearducts have a mind of their own, so even if i didn't want to cry over it, it just can't be helped. it's not the stress--hello, how could i be stressed over my so-called work?
and even now as i'm typing this, my tearducts decided that they want another go at it. and this absolutely sucks. what the fuck, i can't even control my own eyes?! how am i supposed to control my life if i can't control my lacrimal glands?!
i guess it's the frustration that i'm not able to meet my own expectations. this sounds a bit mayabang(?), but for most of my life, i have never failed at anything. i may not be the best, but i sure don't fail. it's just not an option. and i guess there's a time for everything, and hence, it's THAT time in my life. woohoo, meet the failure. of course, like everything else in my lucky, lucky life, there couldn't be a better timing. great. when the hell would i be out of this goddamn motherfucking shithole?
and nothing's helping.
this is really one of the times when i just want to
DISAPPEAR.
apparently, it is true: you really can't do much when you're "happy."
it's weird. i can't seem to do anything right when i'm in a good mood. everything i do just seems to SUCK.
and when you're up, the only way you can go is down. anticipation? yes.
i miss being miserable (not that it doesn't come naturally).
----------
Across The Universe isn't a great film, yet I find myself strangely liking it (or I'm probably just biased because it's based on The Beatles songs).
It's a musical, but it's not your usual musical (e.g. Hairspray, Rent, The Sound of Music, etc.) where people drop everything to sing and dance. The film makes use of the songs in a way a normal person would in his/ her everyday life. It's as if the soundtrack of a person's life is made up of purely Beatles songs. (And yes, of course the film has a great soundtrack.)
The actors in this film are the surprise. I love that Bono and Salma Hayek have cameos. Evan Rachel Wood, Jim Sturgess and Joe Anderson are pretty good. Although they're not that new to the scene, this movie may be the one that makes their careers. I love the character of Jude-- especially when he drew a portrait of Lucy on the wall of a building and when he sang on the rooftop. :) (yes, it's me and my thing with artists. hehe. he sort of reminds me of moby.)
The movie does not spare its audience from drugs. Parts of the film are psychedelic nonsense crazy, and very much depict how an addict perceives the world.
On the downside, the plot is quite predictable. I loved the rooftop scene, but you could totally see it coming. There are also some parts where I felt sleepy. Also, the movie could do without some parts (i.e. Mr. Kite scene) and characters (i.e. Prudence).
Overall, I think the movie's good, but it's definitely not for everyone.
(God, I am biased.)
Okay, honestly, the film is not that good at all, but it's definitely a must-see for Beatles fans.
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When this film first came out, I never thought that I would watch it at all because it's a Will Ferrel movie. But, the miracle of Holy Week, I watched Stranger Than Fiction on HBO. And surprisingly, I liked it. Thank god for:
----------
I haven't read the book/ comic since it's always wrapped in plastic in all the bookstores, but I've always known that it's a good story. I've been waiting for the Persepolis movie ever since I heard that there's going to be one, and fortunately, it did not disappoint.
"Punk Is Not Ded." "Jichael Mackson."
You'll never hear "Eye of the Tiger" the same way again.
it's weird. i can't seem to do anything right when i'm in a good mood. everything i do just seems to SUCK.
and when you're up, the only way you can go is down. anticipation? yes.
i miss being miserable (not that it doesn't come naturally).
----------
Across The Universe isn't a great film, yet I find myself strangely liking it (or I'm probably just biased because it's based on The Beatles songs).It's a musical, but it's not your usual musical (e.g. Hairspray, Rent, The Sound of Music, etc.) where people drop everything to sing and dance. The film makes use of the songs in a way a normal person would in his/ her everyday life. It's as if the soundtrack of a person's life is made up of purely Beatles songs. (And yes, of course the film has a great soundtrack.)
The actors in this film are the surprise. I love that Bono and Salma Hayek have cameos. Evan Rachel Wood, Jim Sturgess and Joe Anderson are pretty good. Although they're not that new to the scene, this movie may be the one that makes their careers. I love the character of Jude-- especially when he drew a portrait of Lucy on the wall of a building and when he sang on the rooftop. :) (yes, it's me and my thing with artists. hehe. he sort of reminds me of moby.)
The movie does not spare its audience from drugs. Parts of the film are psychedelic nonsense crazy, and very much depict how an addict perceives the world.
On the downside, the plot is quite predictable. I loved the rooftop scene, but you could totally see it coming. There are also some parts where I felt sleepy. Also, the movie could do without some parts (i.e. Mr. Kite scene) and characters (i.e. Prudence).
Overall, I think the movie's good, but it's definitely not for everyone.
(God, I am biased.)
Okay, honestly, the film is not that good at all, but it's definitely a must-see for Beatles fans.
----------
When this film first came out, I never thought that I would watch it at all because it's a Will Ferrel movie. But, the miracle of Holy Week, I watched Stranger Than Fiction on HBO. And surprisingly, I liked it. Thank god for:- Will Ferrel stepping out of slapstick comedy. Reminds me of Jim Carrey's The Truman Show and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
- Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson-- the real actors.
- Maggie Gyllenhaal's cookies. My sister and I would love to have her (fine, her character's) recipes.
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I haven't read the book/ comic since it's always wrapped in plastic in all the bookstores, but I've always known that it's a good story. I've been waiting for the Persepolis movie ever since I heard that there's going to be one, and fortunately, it did not disappoint."Punk Is Not Ded." "Jichael Mackson."
You'll never hear "Eye of the Tiger" the same way again.
i haven't been "alright" for some time now. i hate to say it, but i'm back to being dazed and confused. i thought it was only because of the holidays--yes, i am a scrooge. i'm not really the celebratin' holidayin' kind of person. like my birthday, i only participate because the people i care about like it. anyway, i normally feel low during the holiday season, but apparently it's not just that.
it's basically everything in my life right now. i don't usually compare myself to other people; normally i don't give a shit. in general, everybody seems to be doing great, while i'm not. i have nothing against happy people; i'm sincerely proud and happy for them. i just feel like shit about myself. i won't list all of them, but i feel like i'm regressing in all aspects of my life. pathetic, but lately i've been crying myself to sleep every night, lost all motivation to work, and already broke one of my resolutions (yes, this early)--i'm smoking cigarettes again like i'm in hell, not to mention that my tolerance for alcohol as increased (i blame the holidays).
i learned a long time ago (was it really that long ago?) that i should be more proactive and not wait for everything to fall on my lap. which is why i have been trying to come up with ideas on what i should do with my life. i have thought of some possible courses of action (e.g. go back to school, look for another job, etc.), but nothing definite just yet. i'm even toying with the idea of bumming or go "soul searching", but who knows what good that'll do given that i'm already overdosing my head with ideas and theories. so basically, i'm back to beyond square one.
misery loves company. sadly, i don't have any. hahahahaha. what person would want to hear another person's rantings and ramblings right? which is why people have blogs: we pour in thoughts that other people don't really want to hear about. thank god at least i have this.
it's basically everything in my life right now. i don't usually compare myself to other people; normally i don't give a shit. in general, everybody seems to be doing great, while i'm not. i have nothing against happy people; i'm sincerely proud and happy for them. i just feel like shit about myself. i won't list all of them, but i feel like i'm regressing in all aspects of my life. pathetic, but lately i've been crying myself to sleep every night, lost all motivation to work, and already broke one of my resolutions (yes, this early)--i'm smoking cigarettes again like i'm in hell, not to mention that my tolerance for alcohol as increased (i blame the holidays).
i learned a long time ago (was it really that long ago?) that i should be more proactive and not wait for everything to fall on my lap. which is why i have been trying to come up with ideas on what i should do with my life. i have thought of some possible courses of action (e.g. go back to school, look for another job, etc.), but nothing definite just yet. i'm even toying with the idea of bumming or go "soul searching", but who knows what good that'll do given that i'm already overdosing my head with ideas and theories. so basically, i'm back to beyond square one.
misery loves company. sadly, i don't have any. hahahahaha. what person would want to hear another person's rantings and ramblings right? which is why people have blogs: we pour in thoughts that other people don't really want to hear about. thank god at least i have this.
watched Stardust last friday.
i enjoyed the movie, but it was a bad idea to watch it, considering my "situation." on one hand, i want to glow like Yvaine. on the other hand, i also would love to be like Tristran-- to actually find my own glowing star.
now if i could only find pull myself away from dead stars.
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i really like this article. i really should make it a habit to take pictures everyday, and not be confined to moodswings -- and i guess that also holds true for my writing and painting.
one more session.
i enjoyed the movie, but it was a bad idea to watch it, considering my "situation." on one hand, i want to glow like Yvaine. on the other hand, i also would love to be like Tristran-- to actually find my own glowing star.
now if i could only find pull myself away from dead stars.
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i really like this article. i really should make it a habit to take pictures everyday, and not be confined to moodswings -- and i guess that also holds true for my writing and painting.
one more session.
i don't know why, but lately i have not been in the mood for anything. sure, i've been very productive -- this may be the most productive i have been in my entire life -- it's as if i keep on moving and moving, but i'm getting nowhere. and worse, i actually see the point of doing whatever it is that i'm doing, for the first time in my life i am actually rational, but i just don't feel it. it doesn't seem right for me to feel so... uncomfortable. it's weird. the unbearable lightness of being?
i find myself sinking back to limbo. work limbo. i know what i'm supposed to do, and i am actually doing it. but it still doesn't feel right. my so-called lovelife limbo. well, really can't say much about that since it's practically non-existent.
boys are stupid.
you. why are you the way you are and why the hell do i even like you?! and why the fuck do you have to be THERE???? i want to scream at your face just so you'll notice that i. am. just. here. literally within your reach.
maybe i'm just bored. or PMS-ing. blah.
and then the lightbulb turns on. i feel uneasy because everything in this phase of my life seems so slow. slow and monotonous.
congrats lisa, you have finally figured one thing out.
i miss rambling. i need something new.
i find myself sinking back to limbo. work limbo. i know what i'm supposed to do, and i am actually doing it. but it still doesn't feel right. my so-called lovelife limbo. well, really can't say much about that since it's practically non-existent.
boys are stupid.
you. why are you the way you are and why the hell do i even like you?! and why the fuck do you have to be THERE???? i want to scream at your face just so you'll notice that i. am. just. here. literally within your reach.
maybe i'm just bored. or PMS-ing. blah.
and then the lightbulb turns on. i feel uneasy because everything in this phase of my life seems so slow. slow and monotonous.
congrats lisa, you have finally figured one thing out.
i miss rambling. i need something new.
busy in the real world
Filed under: angsty pantsing
i just realized that my "blogging pattern" is affected by my being in-touch with the real world. no, i do not mean that i blog when i'm insane. it just so happens that i usually blog when i've got nothing better to do. haha. it's somewhat similar with my pattern with art. like i mentioned in my previous post, i find that i can only be "artistic" when i have issues. and now that my life is... stagnant with work and my non-existent lovelife, it seems that i do not only have less time to blog, but i also seem to lack the inspiration to write / post about... things.but i miss writing. and not just blog writing, but writing. i'm really not much of a writer, but i do miss the feeling of putting to words something you've imagined and actually have people reading them. for the past months i've been immersing myself with all kinds of literature and art just to regain some amount of inspiration, but sadly, i still don't have it.
i've been trying to think of reasons why i've stopped doing what i do -- writing and painting -- but i just get depressed and even more disillusioned. i do not want to stop doing those things (and now photography is getting on that list, but i'll reserve that topic for another post), but it seems that inspiration only comes when i have "issues" -- in other words, when i'm malfunctioning in the real world.
"you can't have the cake and eat it too." looks like that cliche is true after all.
*no connection to this post, but picture above is mine. you can view in my deviantart or jpgmag page.
this week has been an emotional roller coaster ride. i'm not sure where to begin or if i should (or could) even say anything, but i feel that i should at least post something about it.
first of all, i never meant for any of It to happen. sure, i was half-wishing for it in some way, but i never really consciously decided to do something about it.
i also did not expect to (fine, i'm gonna say it) actually feel This Way about him.
i don't know how i manage to torture myself into having even a tinge of hope that we can actually Be, when in reality, there's no way in hell he would be interested in me. oh well, maybe it's because even if i hate to admit it, i really am a romantic. eeeewww.
i am never going to ask for signs again. they give me headaches and insomnia.
first of all, i never meant for any of It to happen. sure, i was half-wishing for it in some way, but i never really consciously decided to do something about it.
i also did not expect to (fine, i'm gonna say it) actually feel This Way about him.
i don't know how i manage to torture myself into having even a tinge of hope that we can actually Be, when in reality, there's no way in hell he would be interested in me. oh well, maybe it's because even if i hate to admit it, i really am a romantic. eeeewww.
i am never going to ask for signs again. they give me headaches and insomnia.
i just hate it when i want to say something funny or witty but i end up saying something stupid. sablay na hirit.
because even if i don't want to admit it, or even think it's possible, the truth is that i want to impress him in one way or another so he would at least find me interesting.
instead he probably thinks i'm ditsy and full of crap. hahahaha.
pathetic, i know.
image, which is actually a shirt design, is from a softer world.
the truth comes out: emo-ness emerging
Filed under: angsty pantsing, my so-called lovelife, unplanned downtime
mahirap.
mahirap pero kakayanin.
kakayanin dahil kinakailangan.
realization #1: i hate nights.
realization #2: i'm in a *gasp* my chemical romance phase.
Now I know
That I can't make you stay
But where's your heart?
But where's your heart?
But where's your...
And I know
There's nothing I could say
To change that part
To change that part
To change...
So many
Bright lights, they cast a shadow
But can I speak?
Well is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A life that's so demanding
I get so weak
A love that's so demanding
I can't speak
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I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday
*all art from www.deviantart.com
fucking bastard. walang kwenta. o di ba, nagmukha akong tanga. grabe, hindi ako makapaniwalang nagkaganoon ako para lang sa WALA. to say na nasaktan ako is a HUGE understatement. hindi lang ako nasasaktan, nagmukha pa akong tanga. bwiset sa buhay. nung isang linggo pa pala eh, bakit mo pinatagal?? grabe, ayun ako, nagkakanda-ugaga. grabe. eh di sana hindi na ako nag-aksaya ng isang linggo sa pagpapaka-effort. lecheng effort. putang inang effort. pero sige, ako naman ang nagdesisyon na gawin ang bagay na iyon-- ang magpaka-effort jan. bwiset. kahit na nakikita ko namang malabo. pero sige lang. sabi mo nga dati, gusto mong mag step-up ako. aya ayun. ever since ng pag-uusap natin na iyon, nagstep-up akom nagpaka-effort. bwiset. dahil gusto kong maging maayos ang lahat. dahil gusto kong tumagal tayo. dahil gusto ko ang relationship natin, kahit mahirap. hay nako, dahil siguro mahal kita. ewan ko ba, hindi ko talaga magawang magalit sa yo sa harap mo, o kahit sa phone man lang. ngayon lang. dahil pinagmukha mo akong TANGA. naalala ko nga yung sa theo-- love is not a feeling; it's a decision. kaya kahit anong hirap, dahil pinili ko itong relationship natin, dahil IKAW ang pinili ko, pinanindigan ko iyon. hinding hindi mo masasabi na hindi ako sumubok, na hindi ako nagpakahirap sa relationship na ito. ang kapal ng fezz mo kung sabihin mong hindi mong wala akong effort o kung hindi mo nakikita o nararamdaman. PUTANG INA, kung hindi mo nararamdaman o nakikita, KASALANAN MO yun, dahil if i know, you just REFUSE to SEE it. putang ina talaga. sayang, alam mo yun? dahil kung mutual lang itong willingness to work this out, talagang maaayos ito. naiinis ako dahil parang ako lang talaga ang may gusto nitong relasyon na ito. oo nga pala, sorry, my mistake. WALA NA nga pala. haha. hindi ko pa alam ang rason mo para pagdesisyunan ito, pero eto lang a: bakit hindi mo naman ako sinabihan beforehand na ayaw mo na pala??? like, let me see, some time last week? punyeta. coz if i feel na we cans till work it out, then I AM MORE THAN WILLING to do so. tangina. ang hirap pala talaga kung mahal mo yung tao, pero ikaw hindi nya mahal. hay. lahat naman ng bagay nabibigyan ng solusyon. pero ano bang magagawa ko kung ayaw mo talaga sa akin? sobrang sakit lang talaga. nakikita mo kasi yung pagbabago.... dati nakikita mong mahal na mahal ka ng taong ito, pero habang tumatagal, nakikita mo ring parang ayaw na niya sa yo. at kahit anong gaawin mo, kahit anong effort pa ang ibigay mo, wala talaga. grabe, ang sakit. walang katumbas na sakit. ngayon lang ako nasaktan nang ganito sa buong buhay ko. well, congrats to myself, there's a first time for everything. haha. o di ba, when did you experience something for the first time? haha. ngayon yon. hahahahaha. nakakabwiset talaga. hay nako. and the fact that he said it with so much calm, like it was something that was as a matter of fact. sana man lang naramdaman ko yung sincerity sa sorry mo, eh hindi eh.
by the way, hindi ako galit. naglalabas lang ng sama ng loob para kinabukasan, at sa next time na magkikita tayo, hindi na ako magiging bayolente. at shempre, lahat ng ito, lahat ng sama ng loob ko, ay dahil lang naman sa WALA KA KASING SINASABI. malamang pag nag-usap na tayo, hindi na masama ang loob ko. haha. pasensya ka na kung may nakakabasa nitong ibang tao. wala akong pakialam sa iniisip ninyo. pati na sa iniisip MO. i think i'm entitled to express my feelings. yes, my feelings na wala mashadong basis dahil hindi ko pa naman talaga alam ang tunay na dahilan. haha.
in fairness, wala akong mashadong iniyak ngayong gabi. mas madami pa akong naiyak last week. siguro kahit papano, naramdaman ko nang wala na nga talaga. in fairness, ang galing ko naman. haha. to the next level ang akong intuition. hahahaha.
hay. wala man lang pampalubag-loob.
by the way, hindi ako galit. naglalabas lang ng sama ng loob para kinabukasan, at sa next time na magkikita tayo, hindi na ako magiging bayolente. at shempre, lahat ng ito, lahat ng sama ng loob ko, ay dahil lang naman sa WALA KA KASING SINASABI. malamang pag nag-usap na tayo, hindi na masama ang loob ko. haha. pasensya ka na kung may nakakabasa nitong ibang tao. wala akong pakialam sa iniisip ninyo. pati na sa iniisip MO. i think i'm entitled to express my feelings. yes, my feelings na wala mashadong basis dahil hindi ko pa naman talaga alam ang tunay na dahilan. haha.
in fairness, wala akong mashadong iniyak ngayong gabi. mas madami pa akong naiyak last week. siguro kahit papano, naramdaman ko nang wala na nga talaga. in fairness, ang galing ko naman. haha. to the next level ang akong intuition. hahahaha.
hay. wala man lang pampalubag-loob.
L O V E.frank miller + zack snyder= genius.
i can't even talk about it.
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maiba naman ako. bawal maging makasarili. bawal masaktan. bawal manakit. bawal magtanim ng hinanakit. bawal mag-expect. bawal mag-assume. baka mamaya, dumating na sa puntong bawal na umasa.
wag naman sana.
nakakainis, parang wala na ata akong ginawang tama. alam kong hindi naman dapat ako maapektuhan dahil ganon lang naman talaga. ako din naman ang nagdesisyon. pero parang lahat na lang ng desisyon ko mali. lahat na lang ng sabihin ko mali, nakakasakit. nakakalungkot.
ayokong magreklamo, pero sinubukan ko naman talaga. pero mukhang hindi talaga sapat. hindi ko na alam kung ano pa ang dapat kong sabihin o gawin. naguguluhan na ako.
nalulungkot at naguguluhan.
maiba naman ako. bawal maging makasarili. bawal masaktan. bawal manakit. bawal magtanim ng hinanakit. bawal mag-expect. bawal mag-assume. baka mamaya, dumating na sa puntong bawal na umasa.
wag naman sana.
nakakainis, parang wala na ata akong ginawang tama. alam kong hindi naman dapat ako maapektuhan dahil ganon lang naman talaga. ako din naman ang nagdesisyon. pero parang lahat na lang ng desisyon ko mali. lahat na lang ng sabihin ko mali, nakakasakit. nakakalungkot.
ayokong magreklamo, pero sinubukan ko naman talaga. pero mukhang hindi talaga sapat. hindi ko na alam kung ano pa ang dapat kong sabihin o gawin. naguguluhan na ako.
nalulungkot at naguguluhan.
Filed under: angsty pantsing
i hate the reality that you're better than me.
hindi talaga bagay sa akin ang masaya. hindi ko rin naman kayang magpanggap. kaya't eto, nagpapakatotoo na ulit ako, bago pa man matapos ang taon.
ang totoo ay napakalungkot ko. nakakatawa pa nga dahil mas madalas na akong umiyak ngayon kaysa dati. hindi na yata problema ang kakulangan ng tubig sa dalas ng pag-iyak ko.
ang totoo ay hindi ko alam ang dapat kong gawin. may mga nagsasabi na sundin ko ang aking puso, sa alam kong makapagpapasaya sa akin. may mga nagsasabi naman na sundin ko ang aking isip, dahil ang kasiyahan naman ay estado ng isipan lamang. nakakatawa, dahil hindi naman pag-ibig lamang ang pinag-uusapan. sana nga, pero hindi eh.
ang totoo ay nasasakal na ako.
ang totoo ay gusto ko nang sumuko.
ang totoo ay gusto ko nang maglaho.
ang totoo ay wala naman talaga akong mapagpipilian, wala na akong ibang magagawa. nakakadena na, nakakandado pa. wala talagang lusot.
ang totoo ay ayokong makadamay pa ng iba sa kalungkutan ko.
ang totoo ay mas sumasama ang loob ko sa tuwing may nangagamusta sa akin.
ang totoo ay ayokong biguin ang mga naniniwala sa akin.
ang totoo ay halos imposibleng makapagpasaya ng tao kung hindi ko nga kayang pasiyahin ang aking sarili.
ang totoo ay nahihirapan na akong gawin ang tama, ang dapat. pero kaya nga tinawag na "tama" -- dahil mahirap itong gawin.
mas madali dati.
ang totoo ay kasalanan ko kung bakit ako nasa ganitong sitwasyon.
ang totoo ay natural na sa akin ang pagiging malungkot at ang kakaiba ay ang aking pagiging masaya.
ang masaklap ngunit totoo: sanay na ako dito.
ang totoo ay napakalungkot ko. nakakatawa pa nga dahil mas madalas na akong umiyak ngayon kaysa dati. hindi na yata problema ang kakulangan ng tubig sa dalas ng pag-iyak ko.
ang totoo ay hindi ko alam ang dapat kong gawin. may mga nagsasabi na sundin ko ang aking puso, sa alam kong makapagpapasaya sa akin. may mga nagsasabi naman na sundin ko ang aking isip, dahil ang kasiyahan naman ay estado ng isipan lamang. nakakatawa, dahil hindi naman pag-ibig lamang ang pinag-uusapan. sana nga, pero hindi eh.
ang totoo ay nasasakal na ako.
ang totoo ay gusto ko nang sumuko.
ang totoo ay gusto ko nang maglaho.
ang totoo ay wala naman talaga akong mapagpipilian, wala na akong ibang magagawa. nakakadena na, nakakandado pa. wala talagang lusot.
ang totoo ay ayokong makadamay pa ng iba sa kalungkutan ko.
ang totoo ay mas sumasama ang loob ko sa tuwing may nangagamusta sa akin.
ang totoo ay ayokong biguin ang mga naniniwala sa akin.
ang totoo ay halos imposibleng makapagpasaya ng tao kung hindi ko nga kayang pasiyahin ang aking sarili.
ang totoo ay nahihirapan na akong gawin ang tama, ang dapat. pero kaya nga tinawag na "tama" -- dahil mahirap itong gawin.
mas madali dati.
ang totoo ay kasalanan ko kung bakit ako nasa ganitong sitwasyon.
ang totoo ay natural na sa akin ang pagiging malungkot at ang kakaiba ay ang aking pagiging masaya.
ang masaklap ngunit totoo: sanay na ako dito.
it's been a while since i've posted something decent here. being incoherently unprofound (if that even makes sense), i'm having trouble writing down the things that have been happening in my life lately.
to start off, i'm in a relationship again. yes, i'm actually in something i thought i'll never go through again. it's hard for me because i've already psyched myself that i'm meant to be alone and that i'm not gonna live to be 30. (psychotically emo, i know, but that's a totally different story/post.) but then again, here i am. i don't really fear getting hurt (been there, done that); i'm more concerned about hurting somebody i care about (because i have this tendency to do so). and it doesn't help knowing that he's so... for a lack of a better all-encompassing term-- perfect, while i'm frustratingly unwell and difficult. i can't help but think that i'm gonna do something i'll regret sooner or later.
so far, things are going well (i think), and honestly, this is the only good thing i have going on nowadays. but i don't want to depend on this too much. if this--knock-on-wood--blows up in my face, then where will i be? what would i be left with? i hope this won't happen, of course. i just hope that i don't mess this up (like i usually do). these things are never easy, but i'm working at it.
----------
i hate work. there, i said it. i thought i'm past this "phase," but apparently, this isn't a phase at all. this is reality, and all the while i have been in denial. i never thought the day'll come when i would dread opening my laptop. i never thought that i would actually NOT care about money. i hate the monotony, the routine, the processes, the hierarchy, the stiffness. i hate being responsible for something i don't care about. i hate feeling drained "at the end of the day" when i haven't done anything. and yes, i hate having to be in business attire all the time.
i know i had a choice when i had to decide whether i'll take this job or not. and now i have a choice whether to keep this job or not. i didn't want to be here, in the first place. but then again, i chose to be here. why do something stupid like that? hmm, let's choose from the following:
a. parental pressure
b. no other job offers
c. impressive compensation
d. boredom
e. time pressure
f. all of the above
and it's not that i'm not trying. on some nights i even go through my materials again and again. but for some reason, i really can't retain all the information. it's been half a year, and i still don't know shit. it sucks, it's frustrating and embarassing. i'm not a very smart person, but i know i'm not this stupid. (but apparently, i am. haha.)
and it doesn't help that expectations are high, which is ironic, because i also expected a lot from this company. so basically, quits lang. basically everybody has been telling me that it's great to work here, that training's great, that i'm privileged to be part of Team Blue, etc. but honestly, i haven't seen any of those. what training? yeah, i attended a couple of classes-- on things that i don't actually use in my "job." i'm part of Team Blue. so what? for some reason, people think that being in Team Blue gives you the skills or whatever to do your job. um, can i just say that it's the biggest bullshit i've encountered here?! all we've done is stay in a room for weeks and "learn" online. whatever. am i wrong to think that to undergo training is to learn what you need to do your job? because frankly, our training has been useless. what i'm doing now has nothing to do with the so-called training that i had. (ok fine, the SSM class was pretty useful.)
and another thing, my so-called position is "System p Sales Specialist." oooh "Sales Specialist." sounds so important. then again, all i've been doing is what i call "latak work." basically, i haven't done anything that i can put on my resume as Work Experience. if that's the case, then how could i [and basically, here comes my plan] resign and apply for a new job? i've been spending 6 months doing bullshit. i haven't been on vacation, and i haven't been actually working. 6 months of draining non-vacation.
if any of my officemates are reading this: i'm sorry if i offended you. but i'm not sorry for being this way because this is how i honestly feel.
for the past 5/6 months, i've been telling myself that i made the right decision, that parents know best, that this is the best path to take, that i'll eventually like what i'm doing. but man, it's been half a year. i mean, how long should i keep on deluding myself?
i used to think that i'm not a quitter, that you can always do what you want to do as long as you set your mind to it. but this is like dancing. there are two things to consider: gracefulness and music. if you don't have any gracefulness whatsoever, you can at least appreciate and go with the music. likewise, even if you don't like the tune, you can always go through the song because you at least know how. in my case, i have neither. now i have come to realize that there are just some things i'm not capable of doing, no matter how hard i try.
actually, i already know what i have to do. the question is: do i have the guts to do what i have to? do i have enough determination to do what i want to do? i'm sick of crying myself to sleep. i'm tired of not pursuing my dreams. i'm sick of not doing what i want to do. oh the decisions we have to make and stand up to! these things are never easy, but i'm gathering the courage to go through it all.
----------
it's difficult going through all these, and knowing that other people also have their issues helps a little. still, i miss being with my friends. i miss having people to turn to at the end of the day. but we're in the real world now, living out our own, separate lives. we have grown together and now we should grow on our own. thank god for monthsaries.
these things are never easy, but these things are also inevitable.
to start off, i'm in a relationship again. yes, i'm actually in something i thought i'll never go through again. it's hard for me because i've already psyched myself that i'm meant to be alone and that i'm not gonna live to be 30. (psychotically emo, i know, but that's a totally different story/post.) but then again, here i am. i don't really fear getting hurt (been there, done that); i'm more concerned about hurting somebody i care about (because i have this tendency to do so). and it doesn't help knowing that he's so... for a lack of a better all-encompassing term-- perfect, while i'm frustratingly unwell and difficult. i can't help but think that i'm gonna do something i'll regret sooner or later.
so far, things are going well (i think), and honestly, this is the only good thing i have going on nowadays. but i don't want to depend on this too much. if this--knock-on-wood--blows up in my face, then where will i be? what would i be left with? i hope this won't happen, of course. i just hope that i don't mess this up (like i usually do). these things are never easy, but i'm working at it.
----------
i hate work. there, i said it. i thought i'm past this "phase," but apparently, this isn't a phase at all. this is reality, and all the while i have been in denial. i never thought the day'll come when i would dread opening my laptop. i never thought that i would actually NOT care about money. i hate the monotony, the routine, the processes, the hierarchy, the stiffness. i hate being responsible for something i don't care about. i hate feeling drained "at the end of the day" when i haven't done anything. and yes, i hate having to be in business attire all the time.
i know i had a choice when i had to decide whether i'll take this job or not. and now i have a choice whether to keep this job or not. i didn't want to be here, in the first place. but then again, i chose to be here. why do something stupid like that? hmm, let's choose from the following:
a. parental pressure
b. no other job offers
c. impressive compensation
d. boredom
e. time pressure
f. all of the above
and it's not that i'm not trying. on some nights i even go through my materials again and again. but for some reason, i really can't retain all the information. it's been half a year, and i still don't know shit. it sucks, it's frustrating and embarassing. i'm not a very smart person, but i know i'm not this stupid. (but apparently, i am. haha.)
and it doesn't help that expectations are high, which is ironic, because i also expected a lot from this company. so basically, quits lang. basically everybody has been telling me that it's great to work here, that training's great, that i'm privileged to be part of Team Blue, etc. but honestly, i haven't seen any of those. what training? yeah, i attended a couple of classes-- on things that i don't actually use in my "job." i'm part of Team Blue. so what? for some reason, people think that being in Team Blue gives you the skills or whatever to do your job. um, can i just say that it's the biggest bullshit i've encountered here?! all we've done is stay in a room for weeks and "learn" online. whatever. am i wrong to think that to undergo training is to learn what you need to do your job? because frankly, our training has been useless. what i'm doing now has nothing to do with the so-called training that i had. (ok fine, the SSM class was pretty useful.)
and another thing, my so-called position is "System p Sales Specialist." oooh "Sales Specialist." sounds so important. then again, all i've been doing is what i call "latak work." basically, i haven't done anything that i can put on my resume as Work Experience. if that's the case, then how could i [and basically, here comes my plan] resign and apply for a new job? i've been spending 6 months doing bullshit. i haven't been on vacation, and i haven't been actually working. 6 months of draining non-vacation.
if any of my officemates are reading this: i'm sorry if i offended you. but i'm not sorry for being this way because this is how i honestly feel.
for the past 5/6 months, i've been telling myself that i made the right decision, that parents know best, that this is the best path to take, that i'll eventually like what i'm doing. but man, it's been half a year. i mean, how long should i keep on deluding myself?
i used to think that i'm not a quitter, that you can always do what you want to do as long as you set your mind to it. but this is like dancing. there are two things to consider: gracefulness and music. if you don't have any gracefulness whatsoever, you can at least appreciate and go with the music. likewise, even if you don't like the tune, you can always go through the song because you at least know how. in my case, i have neither. now i have come to realize that there are just some things i'm not capable of doing, no matter how hard i try.
actually, i already know what i have to do. the question is: do i have the guts to do what i have to? do i have enough determination to do what i want to do? i'm sick of crying myself to sleep. i'm tired of not pursuing my dreams. i'm sick of not doing what i want to do. oh the decisions we have to make and stand up to! these things are never easy, but i'm gathering the courage to go through it all.
----------
it's difficult going through all these, and knowing that other people also have their issues helps a little. still, i miss being with my friends. i miss having people to turn to at the end of the day. but we're in the real world now, living out our own, separate lives. we have grown together and now we should grow on our own. thank god for monthsaries.
these things are never easy, but these things are also inevitable.
may mga bagay na kaya kong tiisin.
Filed under: angsty pantsing
hindi ito isa sa mga bagay na yon.
ayoko na talaga. nabubulok na ako dito.
i want out.
ayoko na talaga. nabubulok na ako dito.
i want out.
addicted to melancholy
Filed under: angsty pantsing
random thought: maybe some people are really destined to be alone.
i'm not really good at handling birthdays. my birthday, to be exact. for some reason, i find it uncomfortable when people greet me in person. if it's through SMS or email or call, then it's ok. but for some reason, i don't like it when it's face-to-face. weird, i know. most people like to be greeted, but hey, i', not most people. and i also don't like people announcing to other people that "it's so and so's birthday, so greet them." why the heck do you have to tell everybody that it's that person's birthday (or yours, for that matter)?!
and i don't like celebrating my birthday. i like to celebrate others', but not mine. sure, for the past years i've been celebrating with my friends and family. but the thing is, they are the ones celebrating my birthday. so fine, celebrate all you want.
maybe it's the angst again, but really, i don't find that it's worth celebrating. people celebrate birthdays because it's the day we were born, eklavu eklavu... but hey, it's not as if i've done anything in my life to achieve anything worthy of happiness and merrymaking. in all actuality, all i've done is (1) contribute to the overpopulation of the country, (2) be a burden to my parents, and (3) be a selfish, whiny bitch to the rest of the world. as you can see (and what most people know already), i am not the happiest, nor the kindest, person in the world. and so what? i'll celebrate if i do something great in the future, but for now, no.
then again, maybe it's too early to say such things. after all, i'm only 21. yeeaahhh riiiighhht......
----------
on the lighter side of things...
i was in the car with my parents. my dad was telling us that the daughter of his friend, who's my age, is getting married because she got pregnant. after some time, one of them said,
"baka si lisa may boyfriend na." (yesss....., i know.) and then i said something in my usual sarcastic tone, "haha. as if. eh di hanapan niyo ako ng matinong lalaki."
the clincher: my dad said, "don't worry, he will come."
WTF?! i soooo did not expect that from my father.
and my mom has been pestering me recently about guy stuff. as in relationship stuff. ok, maybe it's because i haven't been living in the house for the past four years and i haven't been open to them for the past 20 years, not to mention my avoidance to hugs and kisses.. yes, basically they know nothing about me, except that i'm their daughter and i have a bad temper. and now that we are working the same company, driving everyday to work and back, she found the opportunity to be "close" to her daughter. i guess i can't blame her for that.
the thing is, i used to think that they're glad that i don't have a boyfriend and do not want me to have a boyfriend yet, which is why i didn't tell them about my relationship with benjo and those guys who courted me. but now, i think they are actually concerned that i'm not in a relationship. it's funny and weird, actually.
but what's bad is that i'm starting to think that i should be worried too.
NOT.
and i don't like celebrating my birthday. i like to celebrate others', but not mine. sure, for the past years i've been celebrating with my friends and family. but the thing is, they are the ones celebrating my birthday. so fine, celebrate all you want.
maybe it's the angst again, but really, i don't find that it's worth celebrating. people celebrate birthdays because it's the day we were born, eklavu eklavu... but hey, it's not as if i've done anything in my life to achieve anything worthy of happiness and merrymaking. in all actuality, all i've done is (1) contribute to the overpopulation of the country, (2) be a burden to my parents, and (3) be a selfish, whiny bitch to the rest of the world. as you can see (and what most people know already), i am not the happiest, nor the kindest, person in the world. and so what? i'll celebrate if i do something great in the future, but for now, no.
then again, maybe it's too early to say such things. after all, i'm only 21. yeeaahhh riiiighhht......
----------
on the lighter side of things...
i was in the car with my parents. my dad was telling us that the daughter of his friend, who's my age, is getting married because she got pregnant. after some time, one of them said,
"baka si lisa may boyfriend na." (yesss....., i know.) and then i said something in my usual sarcastic tone, "haha. as if. eh di hanapan niyo ako ng matinong lalaki."
the clincher: my dad said, "don't worry, he will come."
WTF?! i soooo did not expect that from my father.
and my mom has been pestering me recently about guy stuff. as in relationship stuff. ok, maybe it's because i haven't been living in the house for the past four years and i haven't been open to them for the past 20 years, not to mention my avoidance to hugs and kisses.. yes, basically they know nothing about me, except that i'm their daughter and i have a bad temper. and now that we are working the same company, driving everyday to work and back, she found the opportunity to be "close" to her daughter. i guess i can't blame her for that.
the thing is, i used to think that they're glad that i don't have a boyfriend and do not want me to have a boyfriend yet, which is why i didn't tell them about my relationship with benjo and those guys who courted me. but now, i think they are actually concerned that i'm not in a relationship. it's funny and weird, actually.
but what's bad is that i'm starting to think that i should be worried too.
NOT.
