lisaisms

V for Vendetta, i think, is Alan Moore's most influential work. then again, i'm not really in the position to say so since it's only the second Alan Moore that i've read so far (Watchmen being the first). and i'm not just saying this because it was adapted into a movie (starring Natalie Portman, Hugo Weaving, John Hurt and Stephen Fry). honestly, i didn't know the film was based on comic book--an actual story--until i saw the reprint in Fully Booked. the movie is one of my favorite films, and since movies normally ruin the book, i wondered how much better the original version is.

as expected, i wasn't disappointed.

apparently, you can't really compare the book and the movie on equal grounds. Alan Moore fans were quite disappointed/ mad when the film came out, since a lot of elements have been altered to suit Hollywood. they forget that a comic book and a movie are two very different things, albeit having the same purpose of telling a story. and even if the parts of the plot and characters were edited, both media share the same conclusion/ philosophy.

i did some [shallow] digging, and discovered that V was based on Guy Fawkes. i know this might be elementary to british-history-knowing people, but i'm not British nor am i a history buff. hehe. i'm not going to elaborate on this anymore since you can read a more accurate version elsewhere. the guy started writing in 1981 about a story set in 1997-1998, finished it in 1988, and it's still relevant. my point: ang galing ni Alan Moore at Dave Lloyd.

what i like best about the story (both book and film) is that it makes you Think. you can't help but see the parallelisms in real life, especially in times when you can't just simply ignore what's happening in our country (and the world) politically and economically.


oh yes, i've been listening to the news too much.

i'm in a slump again--a blogging slump, that is. so here i am, taking one thing at a time:

i now want to get into fashion--photography, styling and make-up. (yes, i know that it's so unlike me. hehe.)

being an AE is not for me. i'm just too darn honest, not to mention impatient, pessimistic and unforgiving. i have arrived at the point where i hate having to talk to clients (which, ironically, is my primary job). i used to think that i this job was handed to me because i need it--because i need to learn patience, etc. but now i think it's just here to annoy me (kidding). anyway, you live and learn: this job's just not for me.

therefore, I'M FOR HIRE (again). will do almost anything for money. compensation is negotiable.

i miss a lot of things (again) lately: being with friends, studying something, having the courage to say and do the things that i want to, believing that i made the right decision.

needless to say (but i'm saying it anyway-- damn another cliche), i've been in an emotional fuckfest for some days now and i can't blame it on my period.

i think that i may be losing my touch with movies. hope not.

i finished reading Candide by Voltaire a few days ago. great book. wanted to write about it. hope i can think of something.

i'm broke.

and of course i just had to come across this song:

Test Pattern by The Thermals

I believe, I believe
I could see, I could see
forever in my hand

but I believe, I believe
I could leave and if you notice
then you would understand

and so I feel alone
wide and low
I feel you suffering sad

cause I believe, I believe
I could see, I could see
forever in my hand

so you can call this a test pattern
so you don't have to commit
so you could change any day

I believe, I believe
you could see, you could see
me forever by his side

and I believe, I believe
if you leave, if you leave
I will cry, I will cry, I will cry
why do I feel so crazy now
why am I losing my mind

cause I believe, I believe
you could see me forever by his side

still you can call this a test pattern
so you don't have to commit
so you can change any day

i went to the wake of my friend's mom last thursday. my friend, oj, called me on dec. 21. we haven't talked or seen each other in a very long time, and i was surprised that he did. he wanted somebody to talk to. he told me that the doctors gave his mother, who had cancer, only a week more. she passed away moments before christmas eve.

it was the first time our family spent new year's eve away from one another. my mom was rushed to the hospital yesterday because she was dizzy and her abdomen hurt like hell. turns out that she has myoma and cysts in her uterus and ovaries, and she will have to undergo a hysterectomy tomorrow.

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i finished reading The New Life by Orhan Pamuk yesterday in the waiting area of the Makati Medical Center. honestly, i did not understand the whole point of the story--maybe because i was distracted by the annoying kid/ cold/ stinky drivers. the journey for the New Life seemed pointless. after all the chase, deceit and murder-- he didn't get anything that he wanted. nothing seemed to amount to anything. but i realized after that maybe THAT was the real message. we spend our lives on trivial things and search for things that maybe are not there at all. we spend too much time pondering and wandering, when we should just focus on what's right in front of us.

things do happen when they need to. i bought this book just because i didn't have something to read over the christmas break and it had a good title. i never would have thought that it would have such an impact on me. in some ways i feel like the character in the book: constantly switching from one bus to another in pursuit of an Angel, of a New Life, always meeting people who remain acquaintances, adapting to each situation and changing identities as needed. i feel like i'm in search of something, but a something that i'm not really sure of. i feel like i'm journeying to nowhere in particular, just moving. i'm in this point of my life where nothing seems to make sense anymore, and i'm actually thinking and saying to myself that i want a new life.

but i'm not having that anymore. i'm through wanting, waiting and running after whatnot. after the events that happened (especially this month), i realized that there are a gazillion things that are more important: self-acceptance and family. whatever else that needs to be done will be realized in time.

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something that i picked up from Avatar (this show is actually good):

"The monks say hope is a distraction, it's not gonna get us through this bridge and it's not gonna find Appa."

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since i kept most of my resolutions last year, i'm making more for this year:

• from last year: totally stop smoking. last year i only smoked socially (a huge improvement), but this year, i am going to quit completely.
  
• get some exercise. i have been such a lazy bum since i started working (almost 2 years now). i did get thinner (probably only due to stress), but my arms, tummy and thighs are flabbier. i REALLY need to get fit again.
• practice photography. i'm planning to do at least one of these. [update: started project 365 in flickr.]
  
• prioritize my family. i know that i have not been making my family a priority for the past few years of my life, and it took the recent events (my grandfather's illness, oj's mom's death and my mom's hysterectomy) to make me realize the importance of family in one's life. i also realized this year that friendship is not forever. sad but true: i can't always count on my friends. i've been with my friends for 4 years, and now is the time for me to focus on my family. after all, i do want to have a family of my own one day, and i want my future husband and future children to value this as well.
  
• be more thankful :)

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what i learned from watching The Sopranos (so far):

• you can use the word "fuck" in any fucking sentence
• i fucking love italian food
• it is possible to be in a fucking dysfunctional family and get fucking good grades
• italian women stay fit while their husbands are fucking fat
• deceit and betrayal is the fucking way to go
  
• being in a mob is way fucking cool and even more fucking complicated
  
• i need to see a fucking shrink
  

finished reading. can't wait for the movie.

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i finally got some rest. well. not really. i finally had some time to think about Things (not that i don't constantly do so). maybe it's just the season.

i've been thinking about my life. i've had a lot of life-changing moments this year-- i'm not even going to try to recount them all because it gets too... painful. i just hope that next year would be better. i should really learn to

"Let Go" by Frou Frou

Drink up, baby, down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me, too busy
You're writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, whatcha waiting for?
It's alright
Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's alright
Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later now
You can't await your own arrival
You have twenty seconds to comply

So let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, whatcha waiting for?
It's alright
Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's alright
Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

I finally finished reading Manifesto: Three Classic Essays on How to Change the World (that I bought last July) which contains works of some of the most influential minds in the world, namely Karl Marx, Friedrich Engels, Rosa Luxemburg and Che Guevara. “The Communist Manifesto” which was written by Marx and Engels is the cornerstone of Communism itself. Rosa Luxemburg’s long essay “Reform or Revolution” is basically a rebuttal to the theories of Eduard Bernstein, who went about disproving Marx’s predictions on capitalism and socialism. The third essay, “Socialism and Man in Cuba” by Che Guevara talks about revolutions and building “the new man and woman”. Despite living in different periods in history, their works reflect a common theme which is the rising up of the masses in order to change the oppressive status quo.

I am not going to further elaborate on their ideas—I don’t think that I can give their ideas justice. Instead, I’ll just share some of my realizations, and the primary of which is Communism is one of the most bastardized ideas in history. Their theories are not merely ideas; they were developed through careful analysis of political and economic events in history, and in these investigations, they sought to eliminate—not just alleviate—one of the basic, if not the most critical plight of the human being evident throughout history: dehumanization through exploitation. Honestly, after I read those essays, I was so inspired and felt like becoming a communist—in its truest sense. It’s very unfortunate that in the present, communism is seen in a bad light. Here in the Philippines, it’s even seen as something illegal. It only goes to show that there is a lack of proper education. I’m not very familiar with the Communist Party here in the country or the New People’s Army, but I think that the reason that they are thought of as “bad” is that the members of those organizations themselves lack the proper foundation with regard to communism and its ideals—and by this I am pertaining to the principles stated in The Manifesto, which defines what Communism is about. They think that the only way to go about changing the status quo is through revolution that is violent, because it is seen as the means and not the goal. But the Leftists are not the only ones “uneducated”. Even the people seated in the government themselves, I think, do not have a clue on what true communism is about. It’s ironic because they’re the ones who have control over education itself. It is true that we fear what we do not understand, and people have developed an aversion to communism.

The key is a two-fold awareness. One is a social consciousness wherein people wake up from the realities of oppression and class antagonisms. People must realize that it is possible to live in a better society. The other is a theoretical and practical understanding of the philosophy. This is where great thinkers, writers and leaders come into play. They must also have an accurate grasp of history, the current situation and foresight in order to educate and direct the masses to their goal—a revolution through reform.

Kung hindi alam, magtanong. Ngunit kung walang kasunod na pagkilos, ang kaalaman ay wala ring patutunguhan.

the only reason why i was interested to got o this year's Ad Congress wss that Neil Gaiman was going to talk about imagination and creativity. but fine, i could not go.

and then i found out that there's a separate session where he would give a reading and sign books, but that was also in Subic, and i still could not go.

today, Neil was at Fully Booked Bonifacio High Street to be part of the 2nd Philippine Graphic Fiction Awards.

AND I WAS THERE!!!!!

i currently own 16 Gaiman books:

1. The Sandman Vol 1: Preludes and Nocturnes
2. The Sandman Vol 2: The Doll's House
3. The Sandman Vol 3: Dream Country
4. The Sandman Vol 4: Season of Mists
5. The Sandman Vol 5: A Game of You
6. The Sandman Vol 6: Fables and Reflections
7. The Sandman Vol 7: Brief Lives
8. The Sandman Vol 8: Worlds' End
9. The Sandman Vol 9: The Kindly Ones
10. The Sandman Vol 10: The Wake
11. Endless Nights
12. Stardust
13. The Last Temptation
14. Good Omens
15. Fragile Things
16. Sandman: The Dream Hunters

i have 16, but i still have more to go :) needless to say, Neil Gaiman is one of my favorite writers of all time, and i'm so happy to just be able to see him in person because it's rare experience to see someone whose works you admire. it was nice to hear him talk about growing unrealist literature here in the philippines. Unrealism is one genre that is not yet popular with filipino readers, but it has great potential to be one of those things that could make filipino artists well-known, because Mr. Gaiman believes that filipinos have the talent-- we just need more exposure. i love Neil Gaiman not just because he's a great writer, i also admire him for being supportive of ALL artists.

i am hoping for the 3rd coming. :)


oh, and it was a "star-studded" day with Francis Reyes, Iya Villania, Snooky Serna and Robin Padilla.


yes, jologs na kung jologs (kelan ba ako nag-deny?). pero ang gwapo at ang bango talaga ni robin. hehehe :)


finding your alter ego is a very, very rare thing.

Ranma 1/2 has got to be my favorite anime series. before i thought it was funny because of the drawings and the actions, but now that i actually understand what they're talking about (i.e. the sarcasm, Shakespeare quotes), it's even more hilarious!

i'm done with 2 DVD's which cumulatively includes 90 episodes. i have 2 more DVD's to go.

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i just finished reading Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett's Good Omens. for the first time in months, i have no other books left to read.

time to visit Fully Booked.

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the vampire movies i liked were Interview with A Vampire, Coppola's Dracula and Nosferatu. i hated everything else. 30 Days of Night is what i would call a "refresh" from recent horror flicks which are, unfortunately, of my generation. the ending was quite good. perhaps because it's based on a graphic novel? but i was surprised that it didn't have the graphic novel look and feel that 300 and Sin City had. maybe because Josh Hartnett is too pretty to turn into a comic book character. haha. anyway, the movie's actually not bad at all, considering all the other vampire movies that have appeared before it in the last decade or so (i.e. Underworld) -- and if you just ignore Stella.

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had my own private screening (read: i was the only one in the theater).

loved it. i have no other words for it except Emotion.

i said that i would shift away from fiction for a while, widen my range.


but Neil Gaiman gives you

I’ve just finished reading Kurt Vonnegut’s “Welcome to the Monkey House,” and it’s argueably one of the best works I’ve ever read in my life. Mr. Vonnegut is one hell of a writer, and even though we are of different cultures and times, it as if we lived in the same country and generation. It’s amazing how he manages to write stories, satires, based on the issues existing in his day and age—which turn out to be today’s issues as well. I guess that after all these years, the human race has not really “evolved” at all. Sure, there were a lot of discoveries since the 1960’s, but most of these discoveries are technological, material. I might be wrong, but there has not been much development with regard to “human” issues. We still tackle the same issues: love, health, environmental degradation, population control, work, the effects of technology, and so on and so forth.

But maybe the issues that the human race face do not, are not, and could not, really change. After all, as human beings, homo sapiens, we always need the same basic things: food, shelter, education, identity, and most importantly, co-existence with other beings. Everything that affects these bring us the various problems that we encounter, no matter what time and place we exist in.

my favorite stories are:

• Who Am I This Time?
• Welcome to the Monkey House
• All the King's Horses
• Report on the Barnhouse Effect
• The Euphio Question
• The Lie
• Unready to Wear
• The Manned Missiles
• EPICAC
  

and now i'm reading "Manifesto: Three Classic Essays on How to Change the World" which contains essays by Che Guevarra. Rosa Luxemburg, Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels. Hindi na lang ako pang fiction ngayon. hehe.

bought two books last friday, and now i'm back to zero.

book one: Coraline by Neil Gaiman

neil gaiman never ceases to amaze me. this is the third book of his that i've read, after the Sandman series (actually 11 books, including Endless Nights, but since it's one story i'm counting it only as one) and Stardust, and so far, mr. gaiman has not disappointed me yet. Coraline is a children's book, which is strange because its theme is not for for kids at all. i read C.S. Lewis' Alice in Wonderland back in grade school, and i remember getting chills up my spine. i felt the same way while reading Coraline. kids read these stories and think of adventure; adults (eww i can't believe i'm technically classified as an adult already) read these stories and think of the story behind the story, the parodies of life, and basically how screwed up the human mind really is. Coraline may be a book for children, but it's a story that everyone, the young and the young at heart, can appreciate and relate to.


book two: The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

i have been interested in Sylvia Plath ever since we read one of her poems in high school, and our teacher said that she killed herself by putting her head in an oven, or something like that. i rented a VCD of the film Sylvia starring Gwyneth Paltrow when i was in college, during my emo days, and i became even more fascinated with her.

The Bell Jar is semi-autobiographical, and reading it gave me a better understanding of how she was. it's as if i see myself (or part of me) in the character of Esther Greenwood. it was her attempts at suicide that struck me most when i was reading the book. back when i was depressed, i actually experienced two of her attempts/failures. there was also a point in my life that i was diagnosing myself: i found that i was either manic-depressive or schizophrenic (this is worthy of its own post, but i shall leave that for another time). and what a coincidence, it also turns out that Esther is about the same age as i am. apparently, we share the same issues: boys, sex, career, family, feminism and death.

but i did not find the book depressing at all. on the contrary, i found it quite enlightening. all this time i thought of myself as screwed up, that i had nobody to relate to, that nobody understands what i am going through (yes, emo mode switched on) but when i read this book, i realized: how can i be screwed up if i find myself relating to such a brilliant woman? for some reason, even if the person i am relating to is dead, i actually feel... free. finally, some confirmation that i am not the only person in this world who feels this way. i'm not crazy after all. Sylvia Plath has a certain way of writing that makes you realize and accept your thoughts and feelings. she writes with such honesty that you do not feel ashamed of yourself. she was able to express what i could not.. and the chaos in my mind actually made sense. her book actually spoke for me.

i am drawn to this book because i know what it feels to be in the bell jar. i also know how it feels to have it slightly lifted.

Dying is an art.
Like everything else,
I do it exceptionally well.
I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I have a call.

-----

One day I'll have my death of him.

-----

You think I'll weep.
No, I shall not weep:
I'll have full cause of weeping:
but this heart shall break
into a hundred thousand flaws,
or ere I'll weep. O fool, I shall go mad!

-----

I'll so offend to make offense a skill,
redeeming time
when men think least I will.

-----

"But I think you've frightened her, and that's why she likes you."

-----

"Destroy! Destroy! Destroy!",
hums the underconsciousness.
"Love and produce! Love and produce!"
cackles the upperconsciousness.
And the world hears only
the 'love and produce' cackle.
Refuses to hear the hum
of destruction underneath...
until such time as it
will have to hear.

-----

"Sometimes I feel like I'm not... solid. I'm hollow. There's... nothing behind my eyes. I'm a negative of a person. It's as if I never-- I never thought of anything. I never wrote... anything, I never felt anything. All I want is blackness-- blackness and silence."

-----

"We're not even two people. Even before we met, we were just... these two halves... walking around with big... gaping holes in us shaped like the other person. And then we found each other and we were finally a whole. But then it's as if we couldn't stand being happy, so we ripped-- we ripped ourselves in half again."

-----

The box is locked.
It is dangerous.
There are no windows,
so I can't see what is in there.
There is only a little grid.
No exit.

i knew i shouldn't have watched this in the state i'm in. good movie though. gwyneth paltrow rocks.

it has been more or less two weeks since i finished reading "The Time Traveler's Wife" by Audrey Niffenegger. this is her first novel, and it's certainly not going to be the last. the story is about Henry and Clare, husband and wife, who were brought together by time and fate. i must say that this is one of the best novels i've ever read in my life. the plot is unique, and one can't help but acknowledge the difficulty involved in writing it. i couldn't believe that this is just her first published novel when i was reading it. it's a fresh alternative to.. basically everything.

heart-warming. that's how i would describe the story in a (well, 2) word(s). it's rare that you relate and feel for something you know that is not real. i found myself laughing, crying, being proud, embarassed, ashamed, awed, confused, scared and happy with the characters. i don't know if it's the right way to describe it, but i would say that Ms. Niffenegger's way of writing is "sincere." it's so honest that i got goosebumps reading it.

but i won't elaborate anymore -- it's better if you'd read it for yourself. i recommend this book to everyone who loves to read. this was the first time i actually cried while reading a novel (and i was impressed because of it). such a darn good read, especially when you're in a-certain-phase-in-your-life-that-is-similar-to-where-i-am-now (ha!). i absolutely love this book.

"I keep myself busy. Time goes faster that way." --Clare Abshire.

so far, i've only watched 67 of the top 250 films.

Rank	Film
1	The Godfather (1972)
3	The Godfather: Part II (1974)
4	The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
6	Casablanca (1942)
7	Schindler's List (1993)
10	Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
11	Star Wars (1977)
14	The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
16	Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
18	Cidade de Deus (2002)
19	Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
20	The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
22	Psycho (1960)
26	Memento (2000)
27	The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
30	Fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain, Le (2001)
32	Fight Club (1999)
33	American Beauty (1999)
34	The Matrix (1999)
38	Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
56	Alien (1979)
60	Metropolis (1927)
64	Saving Private Ryan (1998)
65	Rashômon (1950)
66	Singin' in the Rain (1952)
67	Sin City (2005)
72	Aliens (1986)
77	Million Dollar Baby (2004)
82	Vita è bella, La (1997)
84	Jaws (1975)
86	Forrest Gump (1994)
87	Batman Begins (2005)
91	The Wizard of Oz (1939)
92	The Incredibles (2004)
93	Braveheart (1995)
94	Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003)
99	Nuovo cinema Paradiso (1989)
107	Crash (2004/I)
109	Finding Nemo (2003)
110	Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi (1983)
115	The Sixth Sense (1999)
118	Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (2004)
119	V for Vendetta (2005)
120	Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
123	Back to the Future (1985)
125	Yojimbo (1961)
130	The Green Mile (1999)
138	Gladiator (2000)
142	Amores perros (2000)
144	The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938)
145	Toy Story 2 (1999)
152	Lola rennt (1998)
168	Gone with the Wind (1939)
175	Toy Story (1995)
176	Cinderella Man (2005)
182	The Exorcist (1973)
183	Shrek (2001)
187	Big Fish (2003)
197	Walk the Line (2005)
202	The Terminator (1984)
210	Hable con ella (2002)
223	Rosemary's Baby (1968)
224	Monsters, Inc. (2001)
230	Roman Holiday (1953)
231	Scarface (1983)
235	Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)
249	The Prestige (2006)

on the other hand, i've only watched 1 of the bottom 100 films, Baby Geniuses.

and it gets worse when it comes to books. i've only read 31 out of the top 200 novels. and i thought i read more than most people i know.

1. The Lord of the Rings, JRR Tolkien

5. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, JK Rowling

7. Winnie the Pooh, AA Milne

10. Jane Eyre, Charlotte Brontë

18. Little Women, Louisa May Alcott

22. Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone, JK Rowling

23. Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, JK Rowling

24. Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, JK Rowling

30. Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll

32. One Hundred Years Of Solitude, Gabriel García Márquez

36. Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson

39. Dune, Frank Herbert

46. Animal Farm, George Orwell

47. A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens

51. The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett

62. Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden

70. Lord Of The Flies, William Golding

85. The God Of Small Things, Arundhati Roy

96. Kane And Abel, Jeffrey Archer

100. Midnight's Children, Salman Rushdie

104. Dracula, Bram Stoker

128. The Hound Of The Baskervilles, Arthur Conan Doyle

169. The Witches, Roald Dahl

170. Charlotte's Web, E. B. White

175. Sophie's World, Jostein Gaarder

179. Jonathan Livingstone Seagull, Richard Bach

180. The Little Prince, Antoine De Saint-Exupery

182. Oliver Twist, Charles Dickens

188. Goosebumps, R. L. Stine

189. Heidi, Johanna Spyri

191. The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

A LOT more to go.

galing kay ginoong gaiman:

Rules and responsibilities: these are the ties that bind us.

We do what we do because of who we are. If we did otherwise, we would not be ourselves.

I will do what I have to do.

And I will do what I must.

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now let me warn you, this is a pathetic post. read it, if you really want to. but if not, better skip this, because it's not going to be nice.


maybe it's because of everything that has happened the past few weeks (things that i do not want to elaborate on anymore), but i just want to say that i really miss being in a relationship-- and not just the making out part. i miss taking care of someone. i miss the companionship. i miss knowing that there's someone to back you up no matter what. i miss thinking of the welfare of another person. i miss being unselfish.

which is really ironic, because i am a very selfish person.

which is also maybe why i need to be in a relationship again. i need to learn to not be selfish. and what's better than experience, right?

man, i'm getting needier and needier. i need to work. i need a job that i like. i need to get out of the house. i need my art. i need a smoke. i need a drink. and now i need a boyfriend?! this is probably the neediest i have been in my entire after-high-school life.

but i don't want needing things, or people for that matter. i don't want a crutch.

someone asked me before why i agreed to be in a relationship that i knew was doomed to failure. my answer: hormones and necessity. i wanted to know what it's like to have a boyfriend (i.e., my body clock was ticking) and i needed a diversion. but then again, that was wrong from the beginning.

and despite everything, i really, truly cared for him. too bad it wasn't enough. but things happen for a reason.

yeah.

things happen for a reason.

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to someone i really care about (you know who you are. i was told you read my blog. :p),

i know you did not mean for any of this to happen, but here we are. here we all are. nangyari na.. wala na tayong magagawa para ibahin ang sitwasyon. so i guess we just have to make the most of everything, right? and no matter what happens, i'll always be there for you. i wasn't there before-- and i regret that. but i am now, and i want to be there from now on (hanggang amagin na tayo. :p). i know saying this does not change anything, but i just want you to know that whatever shit you may be in, eventhough i can't pull you out, susubukin kong pabanguhin. haha. but seriously, you know what i mean. so take care, ok? because you're not the only one that's going to be affected/changed when this whole thing, this hurricane, blows over. oks? oks.

a friend of mine texted me last night if i was still up. although we haven't talked in a while, i knew something was wrong immediately.

and so we talked.

there's no other way to put it, so i'll just say it: his mom is dying. his mom has been diagnosed with cancer some years ago and has been under chemotherapy, but it has become worse this year. both of us have gone through our own respective ups and downs, but it was painful listening to him this time. like me, he is the eldest child and currently in search of a job. with his mom dying, his dad jobless, his sister in her freshman year in a five-year course in DLSU, and his brother still in high school, he has a lot on his shoulders. he has always been responsible, but now, things have become extremely difficult (that probably is an understatement). there was so much pain in his voice, and although he tried to conceal it, i swear he was crying.

this really made me put my life into perspective, and i realized how selfish, ungrateful and petty i am. here i am, stressing about my life, when there are people who suffer more than me. compared to others, i am a wimp. i suck.

and i could not even find the words to make him feel better. i said something cliche like "alam kong lalampasan niyo yan," "hindi yan ibibigay ng diyos kung hindi niyo kaya," "just pray," and "malay mo, magkaroon ng miracle." given that i haven't got a clue on how it is to be in his position and my knack for tactlessness, what else could i say?

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finished Salman Rushdie's Midnight's Children today.

"What cannot be cured must be endured."

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

finished reading Bram Stoker's Dracula. no wonder it's a classic. it's the kind of book i would want to read in one sitting (but of course i did not). it's impossible to read it in one go because of the "old english" used by the author. i took 6 days, around 2 hours per day, to read the book. actually, that's the longest time for me to finish a book. back then (wow, i sound old), i used to read a John Grisham novel in only one day. anyway, that's not really my point :)

the book is amazing. i like the way how stoker describes people and events; his descriptions are so precise, that really get a clear picture of how they looked like. more than that, it's amazing how he managed to keep the suspense all throughout the novel -- all 400+ pages of it (ok, minus 5 or so pages that i skipped). another thing that i liked about Stoker is that he was not a sexist (in my opinion). unlike authors of the past, he gave the female, Mina Murray Harker, a huge role in the story -- and not as a villain. yes, there were also negative portrayals of women in the characters of the vampire women, and the heroes were mostly male. but without the Mina, the men would not be able to solve the mystery and destroy the Count. I'm glad that he made her beautiful, strong, intelligent (though he describes her as having a "man-brain") and compassionate.

my one complaint though (well, not really) is that the ending was a little vague and well, "rushed." the story went on for 400 pages, and only ended in 10 (of course i'm just estimating). but anyhow, i liked the book. the story made popular by Stoker is indeed as timeless as Dracula himself.

in our last conversation, my friend mary said something like, "dreams are the manifestation of our deepest desires," which is also what Sigmund Freud believed in his theories regarding the unconscious. despite our fairly serious conversation, i couldn't help but laugh-- at myself. for a relatively sane person, i really have weird dreams (ask my brother about it). people dream about their desires, aspirations, fears, past experiences, past lives, or anything related to what they have seen or heard. why don't i dream about those? some dream about the future. or why wasn't i born a seer?

i've dreamt of zombies, trains, haunted houses, swords, babies, janitors, sandslides, dinosaur eggs, blackholes, flying, death, motorcycles, sexual harassment, and saving the world. but for some reason, i don't dream, or remember dreaming for that matter, about things i actually like. and i dream in color; my dad says that means something, but i don't know what. sometimes i also dream in third-person POV, but usually in first-person; my dad also says that means someting. lately, my dreams have the theme of saving the world. haha. i don't even know what to do with my own life, much less the rest of mankind.

i love dreaming. it's always a story. an adventure. when i wake up in the middle of a dream, i try to "continue" it, and i usually succeed. even when it's a nightmare.

even before i read the Sandman series by Neil Gaiman, i was already fascinated with dreams. since i was in grade school, i remember dreaming weird things. there was even a time when i was supposedly projecting myself onto the astral plane. i felt that i was totally in my element when i read the Sandman.

i have a lot more to say, but i won't. hehe. i'll just end with a quote from Mr. Gaiman's Preludes & Nocturnes:

kakatapos ko lang basahin ang Stainless Longganisa ni Bob Ong. ang galing lang, kung kailan ko kailangan ng inspirasyon, dumating naman. nitong mga nakaraang araw kasi, medyo nalulungkot ako at nawawalan ng pag-asa. parang wala kasing pinatutunguhan ang buhay ko. buti na lang, dumating itong librong ito sa di inaasahang oras. hindi na ako magpapaligoy-ligoy pa sa mga realisasyon ko at nabasa. ang masasabi ko lang: salamat bob. nakatulong ka nanaman nang di sinasadya.

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sabi nila swerte raw ang unang ulan ng mayo. ewan ko ba kung saan nila nakuha yan, pero siguro nga. mas ok na ako ngayon.