lisaisms

a lot of things have been going on with m life recently, so i haven't been blogging as much as i normally do. some random news:

• Ateneo won the championship in the UAAP men's basketball
  
• i took a test in P&G--and passed! currently waiting for an interview sked.
• been on an emotional roller coaster (again) and now back on safe/ sane ground
• i'm back in the drinking game
• watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 (i know what you're thinking: WTF?!) and enjoyed it
• a recent project:
  

rego 200 by ~rinascita on deviantART


jazz by ~rinascita on deviantART

• tripod
• lensbaby
  
• headset
• funds to attend a class--fashion styling/ photography/ makeup
• a new job
• a commitment-ready guy (i just had to include this. hehe) someone i can count on
  
• a nice bag
• a nice pair of shoes
• COURAGE
  

i'm not really sure how to start off this post. i'm not feeling like myself lately and i've missed (and am still missing) a lot of things, but i feel like i should say something. anything. so here goes another round of rambling:

• i'm really tired of my current job. unfortunately, i'm not in the position to resign yet. i never thought that i would spend more than a year there. i've had several interviews the past 2 weeks, but i haven't found a job/ company that i really like.
  
• i want to learn something new again. my choices are: commercial product photography, Adobe Illustrator basics (in PCCI), fashion styling and make-up (either in SOFA or LaSalle College).
  
• we haven't talked at all this weekend. i hate to say this, but i think it's going downhill from here (relationship-wise). i'm always praying for him and i'm happy that he's into other things, but what if the answer to my prayers and to his problems is for us to part ways? and what's worse is that i don't even have the fuckin' right to feel this way--after all, there's no "commitment" between us.. i just want someone i can COUNT ON.
• finished reading Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit by Jeanette Winterson this week. i wanted to write about it, but as usual, didn't get to do so. amazing book. new favorite author.
• tried to move to WordPress, but since i can't use a custom theme until i upgrade my account, i decided to stick with good ol' Blogger. guess it's the boredom.
• been watching the long overdue Season 6 of The Sopranos--probably my favorite series of all time. will watch Arrested Development after.
• i miss going out. i feel like a lola. or rapunzel. only i don't have long hair.
  
• after a month of hiatus, the few times i've been to the mall i've spent around Php5k already. not much, but given that i haven't received a month's salary and that i have to pay my mom Php5,400 monthly, i'm not really in any position to spend. but i do think i deserve it anyway, so i'm burning my credit card.
  
• i take back what i said in an earlier post about getting my photography groove back. apparently i'm not.
• for some reason, i'm not into the UAAP anymore. heck, i haven't watched an Ateneo game yet. tried to, but i get bored.
  

i don't really know how to start off this post in a creative way so i'll just go straight to the point. i was rushed to the ER last july 23 because of extreme abdominal pains. the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, so i was examined in the delivery room, ultrasound and eventually went to CT scan. on july 25 after my scan results came out, the doctors decided that i should undergo surgery because of a bloated appendix and "fluid" that already reached my lungs. so there, i went under the knife around 5pm. i left the hospital on july 31. except for the fact that i still have to clean my wound, i'm relatively okay now.

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being hospitalized and [still] being on house arrest just makes you think about a lot of things. for one, i'm really thankful. i'm thankful most of all for my family. my parents, especially my mother, have been so strong despite all the challenges that came up in our lived recently. and because my mom could not be with me at all times, tita lydia and ate vilma stayed with me in the hospital. i'm thankful for my friends, especially those who visited me. i also received a surprise visit from jeff, whom i haven't seen in a long time. i'm thankful for the nice people in the hospital: my nurse (she's also 22 years old and very pretty) and the lady who washed my hair and scrubbed my back (i wanted to cry tears of joy--i haven't taken a bath in about 5 days at the time).

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i'm actually surprised that i'm [trying to be] optimistic about things when there's the huge temptation/ rationale not to be. i guess you just realize what really matters. i also started praying the rosary before going to sleep.

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i did some research and i want to cry (again). i wish i could do something about it, but there really is none.

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my doctor said that "every person is entitled to a huge mistake once in their lives."

i guess mine's done.

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i miss having a life.

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and this song's been stuck in my head for the longest time:

"That's What You Get" by Paramore

No, sir
Well, I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore
It's your turn, so take a seat
We're settling the final score

And why do we like to hurt so much?
I can't decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why, all the possibilities
Well, I was wrong

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa

I wonder how am I supposed to feel when you're not here
Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here
I still try holding onto silly things
I never learn
Oh why, all the possibilites
I'm sure you've heard

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating (beating)
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa

Pain, make your way to me, to me
And I'll always be just so inviting
If I ever start to think straight
This heart will start a riot in me
Let's start, start, hey!

Why do we like to hurt so much?
Oh, why do we like to hurt so much?

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa

Now I can't trust myself with anything but this
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa

no, this is not a post on reminiscing school, (the title's the first line of our grad song in high school), nor is this a post on my so-called lovelife. for some reason, i looked at some of my posts the past year, and i find it... unexpected.

for one, i did not expect to become teary-eyed when i read the post right after my breakup with aeo. it seems so far away now and i am definitely not thinking of what-if's. i also do not want to "re-live" the experience/ feeling. it's just sad. it's like i'm reading another person's blog or reading from a novel about the heartaches of a breakup. and after everything that happened, it's now part of my personal history. i guess that just proves that every story counts--it's a story no matter how long or short. (yes, ripped that idea from SATC).

i also did not expect to realize how much i've matured. a lot has happened since i entered my 20's (akala mo naman kung gaano na ako katanda), and i guess dapat lang nag mature na ako kahit kaunti. nakakatakot naman kung hindi!

and i absolutely did not expect it to be addicting. i'm apparently very self-centered. i'm actually amazed and amused at myself. haha!

so ayun, kunyari walang ginagawa. haha

i'm in a slump again--a blogging slump, that is. so here i am, taking one thing at a time:

i now want to get into fashion--photography, styling and make-up. (yes, i know that it's so unlike me. hehe.)

being an AE is not for me. i'm just too darn honest, not to mention impatient, pessimistic and unforgiving. i have arrived at the point where i hate having to talk to clients (which, ironically, is my primary job). i used to think that i this job was handed to me because i need it--because i need to learn patience, etc. but now i think it's just here to annoy me (kidding). anyway, you live and learn: this job's just not for me.

therefore, I'M FOR HIRE (again). will do almost anything for money. compensation is negotiable.

i miss a lot of things (again) lately: being with friends, studying something, having the courage to say and do the things that i want to, believing that i made the right decision.

needless to say (but i'm saying it anyway-- damn another cliche), i've been in an emotional fuckfest for some days now and i can't blame it on my period.

i think that i may be losing my touch with movies. hope not.

i finished reading Candide by Voltaire a few days ago. great book. wanted to write about it. hope i can think of something.

i'm broke.

and of course i just had to come across this song:

Test Pattern by The Thermals

I believe, I believe
I could see, I could see
forever in my hand

but I believe, I believe
I could leave and if you notice
then you would understand

and so I feel alone
wide and low
I feel you suffering sad

cause I believe, I believe
I could see, I could see
forever in my hand

so you can call this a test pattern
so you don't have to commit
so you could change any day

I believe, I believe
you could see, you could see
me forever by his side

and I believe, I believe
if you leave, if you leave
I will cry, I will cry, I will cry
why do I feel so crazy now
why am I losing my mind

cause I believe, I believe
you could see me forever by his side

still you can call this a test pattern
so you don't have to commit
so you can change any day

i'm not really sure if this is an appropriate title for what i would be posting (because i'm really not sure what the heck i want to write about)--i just felt like using it.

anyway, i decided to just go with enumerated rambling (if that makes sense).

1. it's amazing how he can read me through my dreams. never should've told him about them. spoils the fun.
   
2. i hate how people are going loco over lomo. i really can't understand what the all the fuss is about.
3. i'm apparently addicted.
4. everyone's copying dave hill. tsk tsk.
   
5. i want to resign. (yes, again.)
6. i've decided to quit smoking. (yes, again.)
7. sad: now that i want to commit, nothing and no one's there to be commited to.

seven's a good number. i'll stop here.

*all artwork can be seen better here. please ask my permission before using.

it's about time that i take matters into my own hands.. and i feel a whole lot better.

1. take up a class. primarily, i want to take up a class in photography-- a step i have to take if i really want to pursue my dream job. PCCI offers a wide range of courses. i also recently found out that ateneo has a diploma course on photojournalism. unfortunately, i can't find a class that fits my schedule. and so i thought that i'd better learn something else in the meantime: another language. i have always wanted to learn french or italian because i love art and dream of visiting europe. now i just have to make up my mind which of the two i should take up. more people speak french so i should find it more useful. consequently, italian's unique and astig, but more expensive. any views?
2. buy a laptop. since my mom volunteered robin, my old laptop (yes, i name my gadgets) WITHOUT my permission, i just have to get a new one to store all my junk. i've decided to buy a macbook.
   it's just so... gwapo :) the mac stores jack up the prices like crazy. anyone know where i can get it for a reasonable price?
   
3. finally do THAT thing i've been thinking of doing for months. i don't think i need to explain this-- for now. i'll post something about this definitely some time within the week.
   
4. play and pray. apparently, boys can be really stupid now matter what age they are. and i'm sure they also say this about women: can't live with them, can't live without them. right now, i really don't want to get attached to anyone. i'm not expecting to be in a relationship again anytime soon, but i am constantly wishing for my own Greatest Guy (again).
   

i must be crazy to let myself hear see feel say those things

which are not meant to be heard seen felt said at the time

when soundwaves have just reached ears
when eyes have not yet gotten used to the images
when skin has not yet finished peeling its burns
when the right words have not yet been formed

but if you prefer
then i would not be the one to keep you, after all i should be the one to know
those which we thought are dead are more than alive

don't worry, the title does not have anything to do with the content of this post-- which i know defeats the purpose of having one, but so what?

it's funny, it's been almost a year and yet i still visit it. it amazes me to see how much we have in common-- or what we don't have in common, for that matter.


Tuwing ika'y nakikita...




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hoy ikaw. yes, ikaw. wala lang, sobrang miss na kita.

next time na lang ako magdadrama.

i've been trying to blog for the past weeks, but it seems that i always find myself tired. i hate not blogging when i want to, but these days, it's not just the lack of energy that's hindering me from writing down thoughts. moments and feelings have passed, so forgive me if this post seems somewhat forced and detached. you can read below my pathetic attempt to recall whatever.

THE GOOD
australia
..was great. lots of complications and annoyances during the duration of the trip, but it was worth it.

v-day
heh. when did i ever celebrate this day? but it was nice to be with aeo again, even if it was only for a short time.

THE BAD
UAAP football
ateneo finished 4th. good effort from the team, but it was just too late. and i hate not being able to watch games..

photography
..and take pictures. it's so frustrating, because now that i actually have a decent camera, it turns out that i don't have the time to actually use it. so much for sports photography this football season. i'm so disappointed.

THE UGLY
work
sucks. 'nuf said.


just killing time. gonna post something more decent this weekend. i hope.

i'm supposed to be packing as of this moment. then again, i'm here typing away. hahahaha. this is what i do best -- procrastinating.

i'm a procrastinator by nature. it comes so easily to me. i can go on for days not doing the-thing-that-i-should-be-doing.

but i digress.

i'm supposed to be packing because tomorrow, i have a 7:40pm flight to australia. yes, as in the land of steve irwin (god bless his animal-loving-crocodile-hunting soul) and a bunch of tennis players. i'm going to stay in that continent for about 8 days. the company's sending us out for a Kickstart, which is actually only until the 7th (flight's the next day), but i'm extending upto the 11th (as if i have the money).

i thought i would be excited to travel, but surprisingly, i'm not. it's such a hassle (which basically describes this whole week). and i hate hassle. anyhow, maybe i'll be excited once i get there.


i haven't been in the mood to do just about anything and everything recently. oh well. wish me luck.

(yeah, i REALLY suck at titles.)

i've been trying to post a lot recently, mainly because i want to end the year with a hundred posts. haha. anyway, sharing lang.

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christmas season = MMFF season. hehe. watched Juday's Kasal, Kasali, Kasalo (yes, sumali na rin ako sa juday-ism. hehehehe.) not the greatest movie, but definitely a relate-able movie. it's funny how i have the same reactions as Angie. haha.

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christmas is such a hassle. i know that sounds pretty bad, but i really hate christmas shopping. it's okay if you know what the person likes, but if not, then well, it becomes more of a hassle. i don't like giving "generic" gifts. for me, i might as well not give anything at all. then again, there are times--a lot of times-- when you're sort of obliged to give gifts, e.g. to your boss, godchildren, people who gave you gifts, and so on and so forth. which is why i let my mom do the work for me this year. hehe.

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when i was (crap, it's already a was) a kid, i received cool toys and cute clothes. a few years ago (crap, it's already a few years ago) as a teenager, i got bags, kikay stuff (although i'm not at all kikay) and other useless stuff. now, as an-- ahem-- a d u l t-- (that was difficult) i mainly recieved food and more useless stuff.

where are all the good stuff?? damn, i am growing old.

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i'm extraordinarily happy this christmas-- despite the indigestion (yes, again). even though half of this year basically sucked, i'm still thankful for a lot of things, mainly aeo, malcolm and forever friends. and yes, despite my obvious resentment towards it, i am still thankful that i have a job.

this has been a tough year, but you just have to go through it all. and knowing that i went through all those things (although a huge chunk is still pending) makes me appreciate christmas and the end of the year more and more.

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and another addition to our family: (and yes, i forgot how to spell your name. hahahaha.)

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"I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me."

- Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

galing sa isang tula na isinulat ko dati.

you know you're getting old when...

1. chocolate is not the only flavor you choose
2. being full has stopped you from eating dessert
3. people think you're older than your real age
   
4. you don't watch tv that often anymore
5. you'd rather rest than go to a party
   
6. you give a long sigh (to quote my brother marty, "sounds like she's getting old.")
7. you watch the news and actually care about what's going on
   
8. you read the paper while drinking coffee
9. you can actually relate to people older than you
10. you actually laugh at older people's jokes
11. you walk around your university and you don't see familiar faces
12. you don't know what the heck is High School Musical
13. you scoff at "kids"
14. you're paying bills
15. you have godchildren
    
16. you're part of the bridal entourage
17. you have a job
    
18. you're writing a "you know you're getting old when..." list

[hopefully not to be continued]

a break from all the "hecticities" of work: a commentary on recent showbiz chika. hahaha.

on rosanna roces
175 pounds. grabe. magpapakamatay ako kung bumigat ako ng ganun.

on katrina halili
habit/mannerism na raw niya ang mag-make faces kung pinapagalitan siya. hindi daw niya binastos si direk. tanga ba siya o ano?

on kris aquino
nakakakuha si kris ng 7-digit bonus-- 2 million pesosesosesoses to be exact-- for the success of Sukob, which supposedly, is the highest grossing pinoy movie ever. at talagang inannounce niya yun sa The Buzz. ipamukha pa daw sa buong Pilipinas na napakayaman niya dahil sa mga tumangkilik sa pelikula niya na mahihirap. oh well, isa rin ako sa mga iyon. haha. kahit ano pang sabihin nila, gusto ko pa rin si kris aquino, hindi dahil sa kanyang acting skills (obvious ba), kundi sa kanyang pagiging totoong tao-- in other words, kakapalan ng mukha. haha.

on pops fernandez
nag-pose si pops para sa FHM. hindi naman yata ito ang una niyang pagpapaseksi. at mukhang hindi rin ito ang unang beses na pinahiya niya ang kanyang mga anak. ewan ko ba kung paanong naisip ng babaeng ito na ok lang ang mag-pose ng seksi para sa isang magasin habang may mga mga anak siyang lalaki. tsk tsk.

on the goma-rufa mae-erik santos issue
sa totoo lang, wala na akong pakialam sa issue na ito. ang tanong ko lang: bakit nung dinedepensahan nina cristinelli at jobert si erik santos, hindi nila dinepensahan si piolo pascual? hahahahaha.

on jowee ann marquez
ang una kong naisip: kakawawa naman ang batang ito-- bakit ba naisipan ng mga magulang niya na pangalanan siyang "jowee". hahaha. anyway, naiinis lang ako sa buong issue ng slimming pills niya. una, sa gobyerno: siyempre ngayon lang nila iniimbestigahan yung pills at kung saan nito nanggaling, ngayon na lumantad si jowee at may balak pa yatang sumampa ng kaso sa kung sino mang disributor nito dahil muntik na siyang mamatay. pangalawa, kay jowee mismo: eh tanga pala siya eh. bakit ka bibili at iinom ng slimming pills na hindi prescribed ng duktor?! higit pa rito, hindi mo nga alam kung anong laman nun at kung saan ito nanggaling. katangahan talaga.

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andito ako ngayon sa GM's lounge.
maraming frames na nakabalot pa.
paintings.
may obrang nakadisplay sa dingding.
may librong Art Philippines.
binuksan ko ang libro at naiiyak ako.

gusto kong magpinta muli.

• i bought a new book yesterday, "Midnight's Children" by Salman Rushdie. next i'm going to read 2 of my brother's books. i'm on a reading frenzy. it's good because i get to exercise my brain. being a bum is more difficult that it seems.
  
• speaking of being unemployed (i'll save my rants for another post), i'm starting to get a little uneasy, now that june is fast approaching. once my siblings go to school, i won't have anyone to bother! and television is getting stupider by the day. honestly, i'm in the phase wherein i'm bored with Pinoy Big Brother. gerald is sooo cute. kim is the new sandara. mikee is really an atenean. (naaawa ako sa kanya kasi pinagpipilitan siya sa love triangle-showbiz-ek-ek nila. and he's apparently too smart for that.)
  
• but! i am still seriously considering auditioning for the show. the auditions in metro manila start on june 17. so if i don't find a job by then, then most probably you'll find me lining up with others who do not have a job and/or are looking for an easier way out(?).
• and knowing that is a possibility, i gained my drive to work out. i'm currently alternating Mari Winsor's Pilates and bellydancing (with Rania and the twins). (of course, i HAVE to look good on TV. hehehe.)

i just had to get away from another one (yes, another one) of pamela anderson's attempts at acting. this time, it's a comedy called Stacked (i wonder why). it's basically about Skyler (yes, that's her character's actual name) working in a bookstore; a beautiful (aka blonde and big breasted) girl who wants to be taken seriously in a world which thinks she's a bimbo (lot's of b's in this sentence).

kudos for girl power. but really, did they have to cast a girl who looks like THAT? all women want to be-- and should be-- taken seriously, not just good-looking ones. what about us plain janes?

alright, fine. it's a comedy. but the fact is: she can't act to save her life, and frankly, the show just ain't funny.

the funny thing is that she was my favorite character in Baywatch.

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i have this weird thing about Pinoy Big Brother. i hate the show. i think it sucks. i think it's bad for society. but then again, i watch it and i actually want to join.

yes, i know how humiliating, hypocritical and pathetic that is.

i guess it's just fun (and may i say A LOT of fun) to criticize and poke fun at people.

yes, i know i'm such a bad person.

it's just hilarious and aggreviating at the same time. and to top it all off, they have actual TEENAGERS on the show. and we all know how stupid teenagers can be. we all were.

and we do not even realize that we are witnessing the demise of our society.

i was about to throw away all the letters i have received, when i found this:

lisa, wala akong alam sa mga sinusulat sa palanca kaya eto na lang, gagayahin ko si tado: "take care because i don't." masaya ang dwtl: parang camping na hinaluan lang ng misa, kaya dapat masaya ka rin, haha. ingat at tuloy mo lang --moby--

p.s. sapukin mo nga para sa akin kung sinuman gumawa ng card na to.. hirap mag sulat e! ehe.

haha wala lang. benta. kahit papaano, consistent sha all these years sa pagiging maangas at walang gusto sa akin. haha. and i can't believe i'm still using that codename eventhough everybody, including him, knows. haha.

bored na ako. agad. i can't believe it. i have nothing to do in the house anymore. well actually i do. i just can't bring myself to organize everything, considering the heat, the lack of an electric fan in my room, and most importantly, the lack of storage space. my family has accumulated mounds of.. junk. worse, our house is getting smaller and smaller. and yes, i am the only one who is even concerned about that. haha.

i have got to find a job.

there is good news though. i am getting over him and him, surprisingly. i thought about it, and i realized how much it's such waste of time just thinking about stuff like THAT. ha. i have better things to do, for instance: be a better person. i have lost a lot of myself during the past year, and i want to regain myself again (if that makes sense). it's sad that i don't know myself anymore. i've gone against everything that i've said and stood up to before and more. real sad. but hey, at least i've become aware of that. that's a start. insomnia makes you think A LOT. haha.

i'm rambling again, but what the heck.