i haven't been "alright" for some time now. i hate to say it, but i'm back to being dazed and confused. i thought it was only because of the holidays--yes, i am a scrooge. i'm not really the celebratin' holidayin' kind of person. like my birthday, i only participate because the people i care about like it. anyway, i normally feel low during the holiday season, but apparently it's not just that.

it's basically everything in my life right now. i don't usually compare myself to other people; normally i don't give a shit. in general, everybody seems to be doing great, while i'm not. i have nothing against happy people; i'm sincerely proud and happy for them. i just feel like shit about myself. i won't list all of them, but i feel like i'm regressing in all aspects of my life. pathetic, but lately i've been crying myself to sleep every night, lost all motivation to work, and already broke one of my resolutions (yes, this early)--i'm smoking cigarettes again like i'm in hell, not to mention that my tolerance for alcohol as increased (i blame the holidays).

i learned a long time ago (was it really that long ago?) that i should be more proactive and not wait for everything to fall on my lap. which is why i have been trying to come up with ideas on what i should do with my life. i have thought of some possible courses of action (e.g. go back to school, look for another job, etc.), but nothing definite just yet. i'm even toying with the idea of bumming or go "soul searching", but who knows what good that'll do given that i'm already overdosing my head with ideas and theories. so basically, i'm back to beyond square one.

misery loves company. sadly, i don't have any. hahahahaha. what person would want to hear another person's rantings and ramblings right? which is why people have blogs: we pour in thoughts that other people don't really want to hear about. thank god at least i have this.