apparently i am affected. passive, dumb, insensitive, selfish girl living in fiction whose self-centeredness exudes in everything she says and does. i have been trying not to think about it, trying to convince myself otherwise, trying hard not to be affected by his words, trying not to look affected, trying not to sound affected, trying not to act affected. i'm not perfect in any way, but am i really THAT bad?
i guess there's some truth to what he says. after all, i am still alone. people that i have loved are nowhere to be found. i feel like a plague, ruining people's lives i come into contact with. but oh well, i guess some people do not deserve to be loved. i guess some people are just meant to be alone.
mom and dad, don't expect grandchildren from me. haha.
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i guess there's some truth to what he says. after all, i am still alone. people that i have loved are nowhere to be found. i feel like a plague, ruining people's lives i come into contact with. but oh well, i guess some people do not deserve to be loved. i guess some people are just meant to be alone.
mom and dad, don't expect grandchildren from me. haha.
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"Still Alone" by Straylight Run (definitely in the soundtrack of my life. i looooove this band!!!!)
Doing like you said, taking deep breaths
Keeping my cool, counting to ten.
On my own again, trying to keep my head clear
Go for walks away from here
But I know, I am
I'm still alone, still alone
Like the day I was born,
Born and brought into this world.
Still alone, still alone
Like the day I was born,
Born and brought into this world.
Hold on to your friends, that's what he said.
I guess that his friends are not like mine.
I could write a list of people I don't miss.
I'm sorry, but I'm so much better off without you.
I'm still alone, still alone
Like the day I was born,
Born and brought into this world.
Still alone, still alone
Like the day I was born,
Born and brought into this world.
Hold it all against me, still don't bother.
Hold it all against me, still another complaint.
High maintenance complaint, oh shutup.
Ba da dee da da da da, ba ba da
Ba da dee da da da da, ba ba da da da
Ba ba da da da
Oh, shutup.
Still alone, still alone
Like the day I was born,
Born and brought into this world.
Still alone, still alone
Like the day I was born,
Born and brought into this world.
Still alone, still alone
Like the day I was born,
Born and brought
Into this world.
jonpaul douglass photography.
matthew mahon.
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i had coffee this evening with aeo. after almost a year, i can really say that i am definitely so over it already. it was weird, but it was also very.. nice.
we're really friends and i'm happy. :)
matthew mahon.
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i had coffee this evening with aeo. after almost a year, i can really say that i am definitely so over it already. it was weird, but it was also very.. nice.
we're really friends and i'm happy. :)
i haven't been "alright" for some time now. i hate to say it, but i'm back to being dazed and confused. i thought it was only because of the holidays--yes, i am a scrooge. i'm not really the celebratin' holidayin' kind of person. like my birthday, i only participate because the people i care about like it. anyway, i normally feel low during the holiday season, but apparently it's not just that.
it's basically everything in my life right now. i don't usually compare myself to other people; normally i don't give a shit. in general, everybody seems to be doing great, while i'm not. i have nothing against happy people; i'm sincerely proud and happy for them. i just feel like shit about myself. i won't list all of them, but i feel like i'm regressing in all aspects of my life. pathetic, but lately i've been crying myself to sleep every night, lost all motivation to work, and already broke one of my resolutions (yes, this early)--i'm smoking cigarettes again like i'm in hell, not to mention that my tolerance for alcohol as increased (i blame the holidays).
i learned a long time ago (was it really that long ago?) that i should be more proactive and not wait for everything to fall on my lap. which is why i have been trying to come up with ideas on what i should do with my life. i have thought of some possible courses of action (e.g. go back to school, look for another job, etc.), but nothing definite just yet. i'm even toying with the idea of bumming or go "soul searching", but who knows what good that'll do given that i'm already overdosing my head with ideas and theories. so basically, i'm back to beyond square one.
misery loves company. sadly, i don't have any. hahahahaha. what person would want to hear another person's rantings and ramblings right? which is why people have blogs: we pour in thoughts that other people don't really want to hear about. thank god at least i have this.
it's basically everything in my life right now. i don't usually compare myself to other people; normally i don't give a shit. in general, everybody seems to be doing great, while i'm not. i have nothing against happy people; i'm sincerely proud and happy for them. i just feel like shit about myself. i won't list all of them, but i feel like i'm regressing in all aspects of my life. pathetic, but lately i've been crying myself to sleep every night, lost all motivation to work, and already broke one of my resolutions (yes, this early)--i'm smoking cigarettes again like i'm in hell, not to mention that my tolerance for alcohol as increased (i blame the holidays).
i learned a long time ago (was it really that long ago?) that i should be more proactive and not wait for everything to fall on my lap. which is why i have been trying to come up with ideas on what i should do with my life. i have thought of some possible courses of action (e.g. go back to school, look for another job, etc.), but nothing definite just yet. i'm even toying with the idea of bumming or go "soul searching", but who knows what good that'll do given that i'm already overdosing my head with ideas and theories. so basically, i'm back to beyond square one.
misery loves company. sadly, i don't have any. hahahahaha. what person would want to hear another person's rantings and ramblings right? which is why people have blogs: we pour in thoughts that other people don't really want to hear about. thank god at least i have this.
new year, new life?
Filed under: bookworming, la familia, life's like that, lights camera popcorn, sunny side up, unplanned downtime
i went to the wake of my friend's mom last thursday. my friend, oj, called me on dec. 21. we haven't talked or seen each other in a very long time, and i was surprised that he did. he wanted somebody to talk to. he told me that the doctors gave his mother, who had cancer, only a week more. she passed away moments before christmas eve.
it was the first time our family spent new year's eve away from one another. my mom was rushed to the hospital yesterday because she was dizzy and her abdomen hurt like hell. turns out that she has myoma and cysts in her uterus and ovaries, and she will have to undergo a hysterectomy tomorrow.
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i finished reading The New Life by Orhan Pamuk yesterday in the waiting area of the Makati Medical Center. honestly, i did not understand the whole point of the story--maybe because i was distracted by the annoying kid/ cold/ stinky drivers. the journey for the New Life seemed pointless. after all the chase, deceit and murder-- he didn't get anything that he wanted. nothing seemed to amount to anything. but i realized after that maybe THAT was the real message. we spend our lives on trivial things and search for things that maybe are not there at all. we spend too much time pondering and wandering, when we should just focus on what's right in front of us.
things do happen when they need to. i bought this book just because i didn't have something to read over the christmas break and it had a good title. i never would have thought that it would have such an impact on me. in some ways i feel like the character in the book: constantly switching from one bus to another in pursuit of an Angel, of a New Life, always meeting people who remain acquaintances, adapting to each situation and changing identities as needed. i feel like i'm in search of something, but a something that i'm not really sure of. i feel like i'm journeying to nowhere in particular, just moving. i'm in this point of my life where nothing seems to make sense anymore, and i'm actually thinking and saying to myself that i want a new life.
but i'm not having that anymore. i'm through wanting, waiting and running after whatnot. after the events that happened (especially this month), i realized that there are a gazillion things that are more important: self-acceptance and family. whatever else that needs to be done will be realized in time.
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something that i picked up from Avatar (this show is actually good):
since i kept most of my resolutions last year, i'm making more for this year:
what i learned from watching The Sopranos (so far):
it was the first time our family spent new year's eve away from one another. my mom was rushed to the hospital yesterday because she was dizzy and her abdomen hurt like hell. turns out that she has myoma and cysts in her uterus and ovaries, and she will have to undergo a hysterectomy tomorrow.
----------
i finished reading The New Life by Orhan Pamuk yesterday in the waiting area of the Makati Medical Center. honestly, i did not understand the whole point of the story--maybe because i was distracted by the annoying kid/ cold/ stinky drivers. the journey for the New Life seemed pointless. after all the chase, deceit and murder-- he didn't get anything that he wanted. nothing seemed to amount to anything. but i realized after that maybe THAT was the real message. we spend our lives on trivial things and search for things that maybe are not there at all. we spend too much time pondering and wandering, when we should just focus on what's right in front of us.
things do happen when they need to. i bought this book just because i didn't have something to read over the christmas break and it had a good title. i never would have thought that it would have such an impact on me. in some ways i feel like the character in the book: constantly switching from one bus to another in pursuit of an Angel, of a New Life, always meeting people who remain acquaintances, adapting to each situation and changing identities as needed. i feel like i'm in search of something, but a something that i'm not really sure of. i feel like i'm journeying to nowhere in particular, just moving. i'm in this point of my life where nothing seems to make sense anymore, and i'm actually thinking and saying to myself that i want a new life.
but i'm not having that anymore. i'm through wanting, waiting and running after whatnot. after the events that happened (especially this month), i realized that there are a gazillion things that are more important: self-acceptance and family. whatever else that needs to be done will be realized in time.
----------
something that i picked up from Avatar (this show is actually good):
"The monks say hope is a distraction, it's not gonna get us through this bridge and it's not gonna find Appa."----------
since i kept most of my resolutions last year, i'm making more for this year:
- from last year: totally stop smoking. last year i only smoked socially (a huge improvement), but this year, i am going to quit completely.
- get some exercise. i have been such a lazy bum since i started working (almost 2 years now). i did get thinner (probably only due to stress), but my arms, tummy and thighs are flabbier. i REALLY need to get fit again.
- practice photography. i'm planning to do at least one of these. [update: started project 365 in flickr.]
- prioritize my family. i know that i have not been making my family a priority for the past few years of my life, and it took the recent events (my grandfather's illness, oj's mom's death and my mom's hysterectomy) to make me realize the importance of family in one's life. i also realized this year that friendship is not forever. sad but true: i can't always count on my friends. i've been with my friends for 4 years, and now is the time for me to focus on my family. after all, i do want to have a family of my own one day, and i want my future husband and future children to value this as well.
- be more thankful :)
what i learned from watching The Sopranos (so far):
- you can use the word "fuck" in any fucking sentence
- i fucking love italian food
- it is possible to be in a fucking dysfunctional family and get fucking good grades
- italian women stay fit while their husbands are fucking fat
- deceit and betrayal is the fucking way to go
- being in a mob is way fucking cool and even more fucking complicated
- i need to see a fucking shrink
