that's what you get when you're alive.
Filed under: in good company, just rambling, la familia, life's like that, soundtripping
i don't really know how to start off this post in a creative way so i'll just go straight to the point. i was rushed to the ER last july 23 because of extreme abdominal pains. the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, so i was examined in the delivery room, ultrasound and eventually went to CT scan. on july 25 after my scan results came out, the doctors decided that i should undergo surgery because of a bloated appendix and "fluid" that already reached my lungs. so there, i went under the knife around 5pm. i left the hospital on july 31. except for the fact that i still have to clean my wound, i'm relatively okay now.
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being hospitalized and [still] being on house arrest just makes you think about a lot of things. for one, i'm really thankful. i'm thankful most of all for my family. my parents, especially my mother, have been so strong despite all the challenges that came up in our lived recently. and because my mom could not be with me at all times, tita lydia and ate vilma stayed with me in the hospital. i'm thankful for my friends, especially those who visited me. i also received a surprise visit from jeff, whom i haven't seen in a long time. i'm thankful for the nice people in the hospital: my nurse (she's also 22 years old and very pretty) and the lady who washed my hair and scrubbed my back (i wanted to cry tears of joy--i haven't taken a bath in about 5 days at the time).
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i'm actually surprised that i'm [trying to be] optimistic about things when there's the huge temptation/ rationale not to be. i guess you just realize what really matters. i also started praying the rosary before going to sleep.
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i did some research and i want to cry (again). i wish i could do something about it, but there really is none.
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my doctor said that "every person is entitled to a huge mistake once in their lives."
i guess mine's done.
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i miss having a life.
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and this song's been stuck in my head for the longest time:
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being hospitalized and [still] being on house arrest just makes you think about a lot of things. for one, i'm really thankful. i'm thankful most of all for my family. my parents, especially my mother, have been so strong despite all the challenges that came up in our lived recently. and because my mom could not be with me at all times, tita lydia and ate vilma stayed with me in the hospital. i'm thankful for my friends, especially those who visited me. i also received a surprise visit from jeff, whom i haven't seen in a long time. i'm thankful for the nice people in the hospital: my nurse (she's also 22 years old and very pretty) and the lady who washed my hair and scrubbed my back (i wanted to cry tears of joy--i haven't taken a bath in about 5 days at the time).
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i'm actually surprised that i'm [trying to be] optimistic about things when there's the huge temptation/ rationale not to be. i guess you just realize what really matters. i also started praying the rosary before going to sleep.
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i did some research and i want to cry (again). i wish i could do something about it, but there really is none.
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my doctor said that "every person is entitled to a huge mistake once in their lives."
i guess mine's done.
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i miss having a life.
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and this song's been stuck in my head for the longest time:
"That's What You Get" by Paramore
No, sir
Well, I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore
It's your turn, so take a seat
We're settling the final score
And why do we like to hurt so much?
I can't decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why, all the possibilities
Well, I was wrong
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
I wonder how am I supposed to feel when you're not here
Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here
I still try holding onto silly things
I never learn
Oh why, all the possibilites
I'm sure you've heard
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating (beating)
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
Pain, make your way to me, to me
And I'll always be just so inviting
If I ever start to think straight
This heart will start a riot in me
Let's start, start, hey!
Why do we like to hurt so much?
Oh, why do we like to hurt so much?
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
Now I can't trust myself with anything but this
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
a new week, finally.
Filed under: la familia, life's like that, my so-called lovelife, unplanned downtime
last week was the most emotionally fucked up week in my life. out of the seven days of the week, i cried five. thank god it's over.
but it's also good to take note of past things. we live, we learn, and we never give up.
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my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer almost a month ago. last friday he underwent sugery to remove the affected part of his colon and part of his liver. he's out of the ICU and back in his room, but he'll still need chemotherapy.
needless to say, it was difficult seeing my father that way. i just hope he gets better and recovers quickly.
thank you for the prayers.
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relationship? commitment? love?
ano nga ulit yung mga yun?
hay.
makapagbasa nga ulit ng philo at theo.
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if people keep on telling you to do one thing--because they think/ believe that it's the best for you--but you're not sure, would you follow their advise anyway just to appease them?
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scary thought: someone completely knowing you.
scarier: that someone gone.
but it's also good to take note of past things. we live, we learn, and we never give up.
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my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer almost a month ago. last friday he underwent sugery to remove the affected part of his colon and part of his liver. he's out of the ICU and back in his room, but he'll still need chemotherapy.
needless to say, it was difficult seeing my father that way. i just hope he gets better and recovers quickly.
thank you for the prayers.
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relationship? commitment? love?
ano nga ulit yung mga yun?
hay.
makapagbasa nga ulit ng philo at theo.
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if people keep on telling you to do one thing--because they think/ believe that it's the best for you--but you're not sure, would you follow their advise anyway just to appease them?
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scary thought: someone completely knowing you.
scarier: that someone gone.
new year, new life?
Filed under: bookworming, la familia, life's like that, lights camera popcorn, sunny side up, unplanned downtime
i went to the wake of my friend's mom last thursday. my friend, oj, called me on dec. 21. we haven't talked or seen each other in a very long time, and i was surprised that he did. he wanted somebody to talk to. he told me that the doctors gave his mother, who had cancer, only a week more. she passed away moments before christmas eve.
it was the first time our family spent new year's eve away from one another. my mom was rushed to the hospital yesterday because she was dizzy and her abdomen hurt like hell. turns out that she has myoma and cysts in her uterus and ovaries, and she will have to undergo a hysterectomy tomorrow.
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i finished reading The New Life by Orhan Pamuk yesterday in the waiting area of the Makati Medical Center. honestly, i did not understand the whole point of the story--maybe because i was distracted by the annoying kid/ cold/ stinky drivers. the journey for the New Life seemed pointless. after all the chase, deceit and murder-- he didn't get anything that he wanted. nothing seemed to amount to anything. but i realized after that maybe THAT was the real message. we spend our lives on trivial things and search for things that maybe are not there at all. we spend too much time pondering and wandering, when we should just focus on what's right in front of us.
things do happen when they need to. i bought this book just because i didn't have something to read over the christmas break and it had a good title. i never would have thought that it would have such an impact on me. in some ways i feel like the character in the book: constantly switching from one bus to another in pursuit of an Angel, of a New Life, always meeting people who remain acquaintances, adapting to each situation and changing identities as needed. i feel like i'm in search of something, but a something that i'm not really sure of. i feel like i'm journeying to nowhere in particular, just moving. i'm in this point of my life where nothing seems to make sense anymore, and i'm actually thinking and saying to myself that i want a new life.
but i'm not having that anymore. i'm through wanting, waiting and running after whatnot. after the events that happened (especially this month), i realized that there are a gazillion things that are more important: self-acceptance and family. whatever else that needs to be done will be realized in time.
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something that i picked up from Avatar (this show is actually good):
since i kept most of my resolutions last year, i'm making more for this year:
what i learned from watching The Sopranos (so far):
it was the first time our family spent new year's eve away from one another. my mom was rushed to the hospital yesterday because she was dizzy and her abdomen hurt like hell. turns out that she has myoma and cysts in her uterus and ovaries, and she will have to undergo a hysterectomy tomorrow.
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i finished reading The New Life by Orhan Pamuk yesterday in the waiting area of the Makati Medical Center. honestly, i did not understand the whole point of the story--maybe because i was distracted by the annoying kid/ cold/ stinky drivers. the journey for the New Life seemed pointless. after all the chase, deceit and murder-- he didn't get anything that he wanted. nothing seemed to amount to anything. but i realized after that maybe THAT was the real message. we spend our lives on trivial things and search for things that maybe are not there at all. we spend too much time pondering and wandering, when we should just focus on what's right in front of us.
things do happen when they need to. i bought this book just because i didn't have something to read over the christmas break and it had a good title. i never would have thought that it would have such an impact on me. in some ways i feel like the character in the book: constantly switching from one bus to another in pursuit of an Angel, of a New Life, always meeting people who remain acquaintances, adapting to each situation and changing identities as needed. i feel like i'm in search of something, but a something that i'm not really sure of. i feel like i'm journeying to nowhere in particular, just moving. i'm in this point of my life where nothing seems to make sense anymore, and i'm actually thinking and saying to myself that i want a new life.
but i'm not having that anymore. i'm through wanting, waiting and running after whatnot. after the events that happened (especially this month), i realized that there are a gazillion things that are more important: self-acceptance and family. whatever else that needs to be done will be realized in time.
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something that i picked up from Avatar (this show is actually good):
"The monks say hope is a distraction, it's not gonna get us through this bridge and it's not gonna find Appa."----------
since i kept most of my resolutions last year, i'm making more for this year:
- from last year: totally stop smoking. last year i only smoked socially (a huge improvement), but this year, i am going to quit completely.
- get some exercise. i have been such a lazy bum since i started working (almost 2 years now). i did get thinner (probably only due to stress), but my arms, tummy and thighs are flabbier. i REALLY need to get fit again.
- practice photography. i'm planning to do at least one of these. [update: started project 365 in flickr.]
- prioritize my family. i know that i have not been making my family a priority for the past few years of my life, and it took the recent events (my grandfather's illness, oj's mom's death and my mom's hysterectomy) to make me realize the importance of family in one's life. i also realized this year that friendship is not forever. sad but true: i can't always count on my friends. i've been with my friends for 4 years, and now is the time for me to focus on my family. after all, i do want to have a family of my own one day, and i want my future husband and future children to value this as well.
- be more thankful :)
what i learned from watching The Sopranos (so far):
- you can use the word "fuck" in any fucking sentence
- i fucking love italian food
- it is possible to be in a fucking dysfunctional family and get fucking good grades
- italian women stay fit while their husbands are fucking fat
- deceit and betrayal is the fucking way to go
- being in a mob is way fucking cool and even more fucking complicated
- i need to see a fucking shrink
today we went to visit my lolo in the hospital. he was a heavy smoker, and years after he quit smoking, he contracted emphysema, and because his lungs couldn't function well (trouble with oxygen being pumped into the bloodstream or something like that), he also developed an enlarged heart which affected his blood circulation. when we were leaving the hospital, my dad told us that lolo also has prostate cancer. apparently, they (the adults) already knew about it about a year ago, but opted not to tell us "kids". my lolo also does not know about it. they decided not to tell him because he would feel worse. they also decided for him not to go through chemotherapy, because he's too old (he's turning 81 on february 2) and weak already. so it was decided that they wouldn't let my grandfather know and for him to just take medication-- and apparently he does not feel anything related to his prostate condition.
my lolo does not talk much, and when he does, it's usually to ask me about school or work. sometimes he talks about the simple life back then or stories about our "ancestors". but he always has this calm attitude-- steady lang palagi.
dahil maraming bagay na mas mahalaga... tulad ng pamilya.
my lolo does not talk much, and when he does, it's usually to ask me about school or work. sometimes he talks about the simple life back then or stories about our "ancestors". but he always has this calm attitude-- steady lang palagi.
dahil maraming bagay na mas mahalaga... tulad ng pamilya.
