lisaisms

i'm surprisingly okay. a mixture of happiness and relief with a tinge of sadness.

he basically summed it up in these lines: "i want to be loved one way; you also want to be loved one way. it's just that we can't provide [the love that we want] for each other." and when he said that, i felt much much better, because it was The Truth, and breaking up would be the best thing for both of us.

and after all, how coul i ever compete with True Love? like what pril said, "kung matatalo ako, mabuti nang matalo sa tunay na pag-ibig." cheesy as in pinoy cheesy, but true. so aeo, please be The Greatest Guy to her. i'm genuinely happy that you have found her.. again. so make it work!!! :)

all in all, it was a good break up. so yes, i am officially back in the Singles Scene, waiting and searching for my own Greatest Guy.

in the meantime, i'm off to Leyte to see the beach. just in time.

fucking bastard. walang kwenta. o di ba, nagmukha akong tanga. grabe, hindi ako makapaniwalang nagkaganoon ako para lang sa WALA. to say na nasaktan ako is a HUGE understatement. hindi lang ako nasasaktan, nagmukha pa akong tanga. bwiset sa buhay. nung isang linggo pa pala eh, bakit mo pinatagal?? grabe, ayun ako, nagkakanda-ugaga. grabe. eh di sana hindi na ako nag-aksaya ng isang linggo sa pagpapaka-effort. lecheng effort. putang inang effort. pero sige, ako naman ang nagdesisyon na gawin ang bagay na iyon-- ang magpaka-effort jan. bwiset. kahit na nakikita ko namang malabo. pero sige lang. sabi mo nga dati, gusto mong mag step-up ako. aya ayun. ever since ng pag-uusap natin na iyon, nagstep-up akom nagpaka-effort. bwiset. dahil gusto kong maging maayos ang lahat. dahil gusto kong tumagal tayo. dahil gusto ko ang relationship natin, kahit mahirap. hay nako, dahil siguro mahal kita. ewan ko ba, hindi ko talaga magawang magalit sa yo sa harap mo, o kahit sa phone man lang. ngayon lang. dahil pinagmukha mo akong TANGA. naalala ko nga yung sa theo-- love is not a feeling; it's a decision. kaya kahit anong hirap, dahil pinili ko itong relationship natin, dahil IKAW ang pinili ko, pinanindigan ko iyon. hinding hindi mo masasabi na hindi ako sumubok, na hindi ako nagpakahirap sa relationship na ito. ang kapal ng fezz mo kung sabihin mong hindi mong wala akong effort o kung hindi mo nakikita o nararamdaman. PUTANG INA, kung hindi mo nararamdaman o nakikita, KASALANAN MO yun, dahil if i know, you just REFUSE to SEE it. putang ina talaga. sayang, alam mo yun? dahil kung mutual lang itong willingness to work this out, talagang maaayos ito. naiinis ako dahil parang ako lang talaga ang may gusto nitong relasyon na ito. oo nga pala, sorry, my mistake. WALA NA nga pala. haha. hindi ko pa alam ang rason mo para pagdesisyunan ito, pero eto lang a: bakit hindi mo naman ako sinabihan beforehand na ayaw mo na pala??? like, let me see, some time last week? punyeta. coz if i feel na we cans till work it out, then I AM MORE THAN WILLING to do so. tangina. ang hirap pala talaga kung mahal mo yung tao, pero ikaw hindi nya mahal. hay. lahat naman ng bagay nabibigyan ng solusyon. pero ano bang magagawa ko kung ayaw mo talaga sa akin? sobrang sakit lang talaga. nakikita mo kasi yung pagbabago.... dati nakikita mong mahal na mahal ka ng taong ito, pero habang tumatagal, nakikita mo ring parang ayaw na niya sa yo. at kahit anong gaawin mo, kahit anong effort pa ang ibigay mo, wala talaga. grabe, ang sakit. walang katumbas na sakit. ngayon lang ako nasaktan nang ganito sa buong buhay ko. well, congrats to myself, there's a first time for everything. haha. o di ba, when did you experience something for the first time? haha. ngayon yon. hahahahaha. nakakabwiset talaga. hay nako. and the fact that he said it with so much calm, like it was something that was as a matter of fact. sana man lang naramdaman ko yung sincerity sa sorry mo, eh hindi eh.

by the way, hindi ako galit. naglalabas lang ng sama ng loob para kinabukasan, at sa next time na magkikita tayo, hindi na ako magiging bayolente. at shempre, lahat ng ito, lahat ng sama ng loob ko, ay dahil lang naman sa WALA KA KASING SINASABI. malamang pag nag-usap na tayo, hindi na masama ang loob ko. haha. pasensya ka na kung may nakakabasa nitong ibang tao. wala akong pakialam sa iniisip ninyo. pati na sa iniisip MO. i think i'm entitled to express my feelings. yes, my feelings na wala mashadong basis dahil hindi ko pa naman talaga alam ang tunay na dahilan. haha.

in fairness, wala akong mashadong iniyak ngayong gabi. mas madami pa akong naiyak last week. siguro kahit papano, naramdaman ko nang wala na nga talaga. in fairness, ang galing ko naman. haha. to the next level ang akong intuition. hahahaha.

hay. wala man lang pampalubag-loob.

"any status where a person or project is held up, and nothing can be done until another action happens" (wikipedia)

diversion. perversion. conversion.
attraction. conversation. evolution.

alam mo yung pakiramdam kapag nakasakay ka sa roller coaster, yung may loop? alam mong darating ang panahon-- iilang segundo na nga lang-- kung kailan babaliktad ang mundo mo.

at hihigpitan mo ang kapit mo.

at kahit kabado ka o takot o parang lumuluwang yung seatbelt mo, ok lang. alam mo naman din kasing panandalian lang. babalik ka din sa lupa.

at sa iyong pagbaba, maaaring sumuka ka at mahilo. at ayaw mo na uling sumakay. ngunit maaari din namang nasiyahan ka at ipagpatuloy ang pakikipagsapalaran, ang pagsubok, ang pagsakay.

hawak lang. kapit lang. oras lang naman ang mawawala.

don't worry, the title does not have anything to do with the content of this post-- which i know defeats the purpose of having one, but so what?

it's funny, it's been almost a year and yet i still visit it. it amazes me to see how much we have in common-- or what we don't have in common, for that matter.


Tuwing ika'y nakikita...




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hoy ikaw. yes, ikaw. wala lang, sobrang miss na kita.

next time na lang ako magdadrama.

A decade ago, I never thought I would be,
at twenty three, on the verge of spontaneous combustion.
Woe-is-me.
But I guess that it comes with the territory;
an ominous landscape of never ending calamity.
I need you to hear, I need you to see that I have had all I can take and
exploding seems like a definite possibility to me.
So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world and it's people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me....I'll never be the same.
Not two days ago, I was having a look in a book
and I saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees.
I said, "I can relate," cause' lately I've been thinking of combustication
as a welcomed vacation from the burdens of the planet earth.
Like gravity, hypocrisy, and the perils of being in 3-D...
and thinking so much differently.
So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world and it's people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me....I'll never be the same.

- Incubus, Pardon Me

i finally told my parents about The Plan. a long talk-- with me crying the whole time. the basic points of our conversation:

1. i am lucky to have what i have now.
   
2. i have to have options (at least 3 or 4).
   
3. i should not just drop everything.
4. they are not angry-- just disappointed. very disappointed.
5. they will not support me financially anymore. (and this i already know).
   
6. i should be practical yet mindful of myself.
7. finding work is very very very difficult.

so there. basically there was nothing new. i thought about this for a very long time. and even if i'm not sure of what i want exactly, at least i know what i DON'T want. and despite the crying and them not listening to my feelings, i still feel a lot better. the next difficult thing to do is actually finding options.

Dying is an art.
Like everything else,
I do it exceptionally well.
I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I have a call.

-----

One day I'll have my death of him.

-----

You think I'll weep.
No, I shall not weep:
I'll have full cause of weeping:
but this heart shall break
into a hundred thousand flaws,
or ere I'll weep. O fool, I shall go mad!

-----

I'll so offend to make offense a skill,
redeeming time
when men think least I will.

-----

"But I think you've frightened her, and that's why she likes you."

-----

"Destroy! Destroy! Destroy!",
hums the underconsciousness.
"Love and produce! Love and produce!"
cackles the upperconsciousness.
And the world hears only
the 'love and produce' cackle.
Refuses to hear the hum
of destruction underneath...
until such time as it
will have to hear.

-----

"Sometimes I feel like I'm not... solid. I'm hollow. There's... nothing behind my eyes. I'm a negative of a person. It's as if I never-- I never thought of anything. I never wrote... anything, I never felt anything. All I want is blackness-- blackness and silence."

-----

"We're not even two people. Even before we met, we were just... these two halves... walking around with big... gaping holes in us shaped like the other person. And then we found each other and we were finally a whole. But then it's as if we couldn't stand being happy, so we ripped-- we ripped ourselves in half again."

-----

The box is locked.
It is dangerous.
There are no windows,
so I can't see what is in there.
There is only a little grid.
No exit.

i knew i shouldn't have watched this in the state i'm in. good movie though. gwyneth paltrow rocks.

i now understand why he has been like the way he was. now, i feel bad because i realize that i didn't make things any easier for him; i actually made him feel worse. i was so engrossed with my own activities and so-called priorities that i didn't even think about what he must have been feeling at that time. he was in a difficult stage in his life, with problems here and there regarding his family, financials, education, friends, and work. it's hard not to have anybody to turn to when you want to express yourself, to find someone who will not judge you, to have someone that will just listen. come to think of it, he should have been one of my priorities.

i was supposedly the one he could turn to. but what could i do? i had more important things to attend to-- my family, friends, and school-- were all more important than him. and i rubbed it in his face that he was actually last in that list. what was ironic was that i was the most important thing in his life. in fact, i was the only one he had and could supposedly count on. i was supposedly the one person he could show he true colors to and not be ashamed.

if someone were to ask me if, given that i have the chance and the power, i would make things right between us, i would probably say yes. as my dad would say, "it's not a matter of compatibility; it's how you work things out." but of course things are different. and if i stay true to my dad's words, i could probably make any relationship with whomever work. it would not be easy, but it would be possible.

but i'm not regretting anything. both of us are living different lives now, and i'm genuinely happy for him (and a little jealous-- hehe). it's just sad to feel so lonely, despite the fact that you are actually not alone.

----------

just to lighten things up: a feel-good song. :)

Lil Star by Kelis

There is nothin’ special about me
I am just a lil star
If it seems like I’m shining, it’s probably
A reflection of something you already are
I forget about myself sometime when there’s so many others around
But deep inside, it feels the darkest and that is where I can always be found
That is where I can always be found - That is where I can always be found

Just keep tryin’ and tryin’
It’s just a matter of time and
Though they grindin’, it’s tirin’
Don’t let it stop you from smilin’

Just keep tryin’ and tryin’
Sooner or later, you’ll find it
And it’s surprisin’ how inspirin’ it is to see you shinin’
‘Cause in the dark of night, you’re all I can see
And you sure look like a star to me

There is nothin’ special about me
I am just a lil star
If you try to reach out and touch me
You’ll see that I’m not really that far
I may not be the brightest nor am I the last one you’ll see
But as long as you notice, that’s just fine with me
Everything’s just fine with me - everything’s just fine with me

Just keep tryin’ and tryin’
It’s just a matter of time and
Though they grindin’, it’s tirin’
Don’t let it stop you from smilin’

Just keep tryin’ and tryin’
Sooner or later, you’ll find it
And it’s surprisin’ how inspirin’ it is to see you shinin’
‘Cause in the dark of night, you’re all I can see
And you sure look like a star to me

There is nothin’ special about me
I am just a lil star
I been runnin’ and jumpin’ but barely gettin’, gettin’ over the bar
I plan on being much more than I am but that’s in due time
But until then, I’m guilty and being human’s my crime
Just being human, that is my crime
Being human, that is my crime

Just keep tryin’ and tryin’
It’s just a matter of time and
Though they grindin’, it’s tirin’
Don’t let it stop you from smilin’

Just keep tryin’ and tryin’
Sooner or later, you’ll find it
And it’s surprisin’ how inspirin’ it is to see you shinin’
‘Cause in the dark of night, you’re all I can see
And you sure look like a star to me

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.