lisaisms

last week was the most emotionally fucked up week in my life. out of the seven days of the week, i cried five. thank god it's over.

but it's also good to take note of past things. we live, we learn, and we never give up.

----------

my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer almost a month ago. last friday he underwent sugery to remove the affected part of his colon and part of his liver. he's out of the ICU and back in his room, but he'll still need chemotherapy.

needless to say, it was difficult seeing my father that way. i just hope he gets better and recovers quickly.

thank you for the prayers.

----------

relationship? commitment? love?

ano nga ulit yung mga yun?

hay.

makapagbasa nga ulit ng philo at theo.

----------

if people keep on telling you to do one thing--because they think/ believe that it's the best for you--but you're not sure, would you follow their advise anyway just to appease them?

----------

scary thought: someone completely knowing you.

scarier: that someone gone.

it's amazing how he detect when i'm lying. in a way it's also sort of scary that he knows me so well. it's been four months (a new record for me!) and we're still in it. :)

----------

watched Wanted earlier today. i can't believe that James McAvoy is also the faun in the Chronicles of Narnia. and although needless to say, i'm still saying it: Angelina Jolie is damn hot. the movie's fine as it is--it's really entertaining and the effects are great. just don't think about the storyline. or that *spoiler* Angelina Jolie and James McAvoy kissed. hahahahahaha!

----------

i've been watching movies during lunchtime for the past 2 weeks now (Kung Fu Panda and Get Smart), and yes, i watch alone. usually people can't believe i like watching movies alone--they either think i'm weird or i just don't have anyone to go with me, which basically means i'm pathetic. anyway, i think it's a combination of both, but i don't really feel affected. what's wrong with watching a movie alone anyway? like reading, shopping and thinking--i love watching films by myself, in theaters or at even at home. i can concentrate better that way. i'm glad/ proud that i'm comfortable by myself and do not feel the need to be with people all the time.

then again, it's still nice to have company sometimes. :)

[updates~my ratings! *****= yipee! *= bleh]

i bought the following yesterday:

• at the drive-in - this station is non-operational****
  
• sneaker pimps - bloodsport**
  
• the blood brothers - young machetes*
• stereophonics - you gotta go there to come back*****
• apples in stereo - sound effects 92-00
• the ataris - welcome the night****
• feeder - the singles***
• dogs die in hot cars - please describe yourself
• prozak - for lovers**
• yourcodenameis:milo - print is dead vol. 1 (undecided on this one. innovative music, but the songs don't seem to fit together.)
  
• thom yorke - the eraser***
• chungking - the hungry years**
  
• i am kloot - gods and monsters***
  
• the new pornographers - twin cinema**

AND!

the Hitchcock collection (Shadow of A Doubt, Saboteur, The Birds and Psycho)

all original copies for only Php1700!!

so there, christian and i (haha congrats to myself--this is the first time i mentioned his name in this blog), being the music freaks that we are, splurged on CD's (thank you CD Fever!). his amounted to Php1500, and he even bought MORE CD's than i have. exagge talaga. we plan on going back next week. and the week after. hehe.

we ate at Pancake House, watched The Incredible Hulk, and hung out in their battered-but-beloved van afterwards. and for the first time, my parents did not badger me on going home early.

i am excitement and happiness rolled into one. :)

i finally got this template to work!!! :)

still a few bugs to figure out though...

-----------

[warning: mushpit and angstgarden ahead]


i have been thinking about him a lot recently. i hate it. he's on my mind all the freaking time. i think about us: where we are and where we're headed. and it hurts.

i like him A LOT. i like us A LOT. i knew from the start that this isn't going to be easy. i knew that it's probably a bad decision for us to be this way. but what did i do? nothing. did i say anything? no. and after several weeks, i am like other girls. i got attached. but i'm not really surprised.

unfortunately, i feel that i'm alone in this. i may be ready, but he's not. heck, i don't even think that he wants something more than what we have now. then again, i don't blame him; it is me, after all. he probably realizes how difficult it is to be with me. (wow. it's me liking a person who doesn't like me back. what a surprise.)

honestly, my heart aches when i think about him. it really freakin' hurts. it's the crushing feeling all over again. and i feel that if this goes on any longer i'll freakin' BREAK.


whew.

Die Alone by Ingrid Michaelson

I woke up this morning with a funny taste in my head.
Spackled some butter over my whole grain bread.
Something tastes different, maybe it's my tongue.
Something tastes different, suddenly I'm not so young.

I'm just a stranger, even to myself.
A re-arranger of the proverbial bookshelf.
Don't be a fool girl, tell him you love him.
Don't be a fool girl, you're not above him.

I never thought I could love anyone but myself.
now I know I can't love anyone but you.
You make me think that maybe I won't die alone.
Maybe I won't die alone.

Kiss the boys as they walk by, call me their baby.
But little do they know, I'm just a maybe.
Maybe my baby will be the one to leave me sore.
Maybe my baby will settle the score.

I never thought I could love anyone but myself.
now I know I can't love anyone buy you.
but you make me think that maybe I won't die alone.
Maybe I won't die alone.

What have I become?
Something soft and really quite dumb.
Because I've fallen, oh, 'cause I've fall- fallen, oh 'cause I've fall-fall-fallen
So far away from the place where I started from.

I never thought I could love anyone.
I never thought I could love anyone.
I never thought I could love anyone.
But you....
But you....
But you....
But you....
But you.... but you... make me think that maybe I won't
die alone.
Maybe I won't die alone.

it's funny how he wonders how i can like him when in truth, i can't understand how he can put up with me, much less love me at all. it's a miracle, actually.

pasensya sa makakabasa nito--humanda ka sa keso at sa kalabuan ng isip ko.

dito na lang ako sa alam kong totoo, sa sigurado.

totoong nagpapasalamat ako na nakilala ko siya.

siguradong gusto ko siya at napatunayan ko sa sarili na mas gusto ko pa siya ngayon. siguradong napapasaya niya ako at kaya kong maging Ako sa kanya. siguradong gusto pa naming patagalin kung ano man itong meron sa amin.

pero sabi na nga bang mas bagay ito kesa sa Migraine:

Taning by Imago

Sa'n mapupulot ang pag-asa
may katuwiran ba ang sala
ngiti ko ang iyong galak
langit ko ang iyong kandungan

Permiso sa isang araw na makasama ka
abiso ng pusong bulag na humahanga

Chorus:
Tama bang aminin na nating may taning
tong pag-ibig natin
dakila man walang kasaysayang kakapit
sa bulag na pag-ibig

Sa'n hihingi ng patawad
kung walang dalang dahilan
tangis ko ang iyong pagluha
nais ko ang iyong kalayaan

Permiso sa isang araw na makasama ka
abiso ng pusong bulag na humahanga

Chorus:
Tama bang aminin na nating may taning
tong pag-ibig natin
dakila man walang kasaysayang kakapit
sa bulag na pag-ibig

Tama bang aminin na nating may taning
tong pag-ibig natin
dakila man walang kasaysayang kakapit
sa bulag na pag-ibig

Permiso sa isang araw na makasama ka
abiso ng pusong bulag na humahanga

tama bang aminin na nating may taning

Hawak mo na, wala ka pa ring ginagawa.

Nandiyan na sa harapan mo hindi mo pa makita.

Alam mo na ngang hindi, pero pinagpipilitan pa rin na oo.

Everytime I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say.

watched Stardust last friday.

i enjoyed the movie, but it was a bad idea to watch it, considering my "situation." on one hand, i want to glow like Yvaine. on the other hand, i also would love to be like Tristran-- to actually find my own glowing star.

now if i could only find pull myself away from dead stars.

----------

i really like this article. i really should make it a habit to take pictures everyday, and not be confined to moodswings -- and i guess that also holds true for my writing and painting.

one more session.

this week has been an emotional roller coaster ride. i'm not sure where to begin or if i should (or could) even say anything, but i feel that i should at least post something about it.

first of all, i never meant for any of It to happen. sure, i was half-wishing for it in some way, but i never really consciously decided to do something about it.

i also did not expect to (fine, i'm gonna say it) actually feel This Way about him.

i don't know how i manage to torture myself into having even a tinge of hope that we can actually Be, when in reality, there's no way in hell he would be interested in me. oh well, maybe it's because even if i hate to admit it, i really am a romantic. eeeewww.

i am never going to ask for signs again. they give me headaches and insomnia.

i just hate it when i want to say something funny or witty but i end up saying something stupid. sablay na hirit.

because even if i don't want to admit it, or even think it's possible, the truth is that i want to impress him in one way or another so he would at least find me interesting.

instead he probably thinks i'm ditsy and full of crap. hahahaha.

pathetic, i know.

image, which is actually a shirt design, is from a softer world.

snow patrol has been having a concert in my head for 3 weeks now. what's annoying is that it's only one song. bet you can't guess which one.

i'm tired of games. it's entertaining at first, but it gets boring, and eventually pointless.

Tender is my heart you know
I'm screwing up my life
Oh Lord I need to find
Someone who can heal my mind

reiterating what i said in my previous post: kuya Jess has some weird ways of making things okay.

you have entered my life (again!) and-- for lack of a better term-- captured my liking (again!). i'm assuming This is just a joke, yet i'm secretly wishing for This to be true. but i do want to get to know you more. i'm just playing it safe, because no matter what happens, whether this is real or not, it really can't work out in the long run.

today is amusing. confusing too-- in a good way.

and it's pril's birthday! :)

mahirap.
mahirap pero kakayanin.
kakayanin dahil kinakailangan.

realization #1: i hate nights.

realization #2: i'm in a *gasp* my chemical romance phase.

Now I know
That I can't make you stay
But where's your heart?
But where's your heart?
But where's your...

And I know
There's nothing I could say
To change that part
To change that part
To change...

So many
Bright lights, they cast a shadow
But can I speak?
Well is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A life that's so demanding
I get so weak
A love that's so demanding
I can't speak

----------

I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday

*all art from www.deviantart.com

i'm surprisingly okay. a mixture of happiness and relief with a tinge of sadness.

he basically summed it up in these lines: "i want to be loved one way; you also want to be loved one way. it's just that we can't provide [the love that we want] for each other." and when he said that, i felt much much better, because it was The Truth, and breaking up would be the best thing for both of us.

and after all, how coul i ever compete with True Love? like what pril said, "kung matatalo ako, mabuti nang matalo sa tunay na pag-ibig." cheesy as in pinoy cheesy, but true. so aeo, please be The Greatest Guy to her. i'm genuinely happy that you have found her.. again. so make it work!!! :)

all in all, it was a good break up. so yes, i am officially back in the Singles Scene, waiting and searching for my own Greatest Guy.

in the meantime, i'm off to Leyte to see the beach. just in time.

fucking bastard. walang kwenta. o di ba, nagmukha akong tanga. grabe, hindi ako makapaniwalang nagkaganoon ako para lang sa WALA. to say na nasaktan ako is a HUGE understatement. hindi lang ako nasasaktan, nagmukha pa akong tanga. bwiset sa buhay. nung isang linggo pa pala eh, bakit mo pinatagal?? grabe, ayun ako, nagkakanda-ugaga. grabe. eh di sana hindi na ako nag-aksaya ng isang linggo sa pagpapaka-effort. lecheng effort. putang inang effort. pero sige, ako naman ang nagdesisyon na gawin ang bagay na iyon-- ang magpaka-effort jan. bwiset. kahit na nakikita ko namang malabo. pero sige lang. sabi mo nga dati, gusto mong mag step-up ako. aya ayun. ever since ng pag-uusap natin na iyon, nagstep-up akom nagpaka-effort. bwiset. dahil gusto kong maging maayos ang lahat. dahil gusto kong tumagal tayo. dahil gusto ko ang relationship natin, kahit mahirap. hay nako, dahil siguro mahal kita. ewan ko ba, hindi ko talaga magawang magalit sa yo sa harap mo, o kahit sa phone man lang. ngayon lang. dahil pinagmukha mo akong TANGA. naalala ko nga yung sa theo-- love is not a feeling; it's a decision. kaya kahit anong hirap, dahil pinili ko itong relationship natin, dahil IKAW ang pinili ko, pinanindigan ko iyon. hinding hindi mo masasabi na hindi ako sumubok, na hindi ako nagpakahirap sa relationship na ito. ang kapal ng fezz mo kung sabihin mong hindi mong wala akong effort o kung hindi mo nakikita o nararamdaman. PUTANG INA, kung hindi mo nararamdaman o nakikita, KASALANAN MO yun, dahil if i know, you just REFUSE to SEE it. putang ina talaga. sayang, alam mo yun? dahil kung mutual lang itong willingness to work this out, talagang maaayos ito. naiinis ako dahil parang ako lang talaga ang may gusto nitong relasyon na ito. oo nga pala, sorry, my mistake. WALA NA nga pala. haha. hindi ko pa alam ang rason mo para pagdesisyunan ito, pero eto lang a: bakit hindi mo naman ako sinabihan beforehand na ayaw mo na pala??? like, let me see, some time last week? punyeta. coz if i feel na we cans till work it out, then I AM MORE THAN WILLING to do so. tangina. ang hirap pala talaga kung mahal mo yung tao, pero ikaw hindi nya mahal. hay. lahat naman ng bagay nabibigyan ng solusyon. pero ano bang magagawa ko kung ayaw mo talaga sa akin? sobrang sakit lang talaga. nakikita mo kasi yung pagbabago.... dati nakikita mong mahal na mahal ka ng taong ito, pero habang tumatagal, nakikita mo ring parang ayaw na niya sa yo. at kahit anong gaawin mo, kahit anong effort pa ang ibigay mo, wala talaga. grabe, ang sakit. walang katumbas na sakit. ngayon lang ako nasaktan nang ganito sa buong buhay ko. well, congrats to myself, there's a first time for everything. haha. o di ba, when did you experience something for the first time? haha. ngayon yon. hahahahaha. nakakabwiset talaga. hay nako. and the fact that he said it with so much calm, like it was something that was as a matter of fact. sana man lang naramdaman ko yung sincerity sa sorry mo, eh hindi eh.

by the way, hindi ako galit. naglalabas lang ng sama ng loob para kinabukasan, at sa next time na magkikita tayo, hindi na ako magiging bayolente. at shempre, lahat ng ito, lahat ng sama ng loob ko, ay dahil lang naman sa WALA KA KASING SINASABI. malamang pag nag-usap na tayo, hindi na masama ang loob ko. haha. pasensya ka na kung may nakakabasa nitong ibang tao. wala akong pakialam sa iniisip ninyo. pati na sa iniisip MO. i think i'm entitled to express my feelings. yes, my feelings na wala mashadong basis dahil hindi ko pa naman talaga alam ang tunay na dahilan. haha.

in fairness, wala akong mashadong iniyak ngayong gabi. mas madami pa akong naiyak last week. siguro kahit papano, naramdaman ko nang wala na nga talaga. in fairness, ang galing ko naman. haha. to the next level ang akong intuition. hahahaha.

hay. wala man lang pampalubag-loob.

don't worry, the title does not have anything to do with the content of this post-- which i know defeats the purpose of having one, but so what?

it's funny, it's been almost a year and yet i still visit it. it amazes me to see how much we have in common-- or what we don't have in common, for that matter.


Tuwing ika'y nakikita...




----------

hoy ikaw. yes, ikaw. wala lang, sobrang miss na kita.

next time na lang ako magdadrama.