i went to the wake of my friend's mom last thursday. my friend, oj, called me on dec. 21. we haven't talked or seen each other in a very long time, and i was surprised that he did. he wanted somebody to talk to. he told me that the doctors gave his mother, who had cancer, only a week more. she passed away moments before christmas eve.

it was the first time our family spent new year's eve away from one another. my mom was rushed to the hospital yesterday because she was dizzy and her abdomen hurt like hell. turns out that she has myoma and cysts in her uterus and ovaries, and she will have to undergo a hysterectomy tomorrow.

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i finished reading The New Life by Orhan Pamuk yesterday in the waiting area of the Makati Medical Center. honestly, i did not understand the whole point of the story--maybe because i was distracted by the annoying kid/ cold/ stinky drivers. the journey for the New Life seemed pointless. after all the chase, deceit and murder-- he didn't get anything that he wanted. nothing seemed to amount to anything. but i realized after that maybe THAT was the real message. we spend our lives on trivial things and search for things that maybe are not there at all. we spend too much time pondering and wandering, when we should just focus on what's right in front of us.

things do happen when they need to. i bought this book just because i didn't have something to read over the christmas break and it had a good title. i never would have thought that it would have such an impact on me. in some ways i feel like the character in the book: constantly switching from one bus to another in pursuit of an Angel, of a New Life, always meeting people who remain acquaintances, adapting to each situation and changing identities as needed. i feel like i'm in search of something, but a something that i'm not really sure of. i feel like i'm journeying to nowhere in particular, just moving. i'm in this point of my life where nothing seems to make sense anymore, and i'm actually thinking and saying to myself that i want a new life.

but i'm not having that anymore. i'm through wanting, waiting and running after whatnot. after the events that happened (especially this month), i realized that there are a gazillion things that are more important: self-acceptance and family. whatever else that needs to be done will be realized in time.

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something that i picked up from Avatar (this show is actually good):
"The monks say hope is a distraction, it's not gonna get us through this bridge and it's not gonna find Appa."
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since i kept most of my resolutions last year, i'm making more for this year:
  • from last year: totally stop smoking. last year i only smoked socially (a huge improvement), but this year, i am going to quit completely.
  • get some exercise. i have been such a lazy bum since i started working (almost 2 years now). i did get thinner (probably only due to stress), but my arms, tummy and thighs are flabbier. i REALLY need to get fit again.
  • practice photography. i'm planning to do at least one of these. [update: started project 365 in flickr.]
  • prioritize my family. i know that i have not been making my family a priority for the past few years of my life, and it took the recent events (my grandfather's illness, oj's mom's death and my mom's hysterectomy) to make me realize the importance of family in one's life. i also realized this year that friendship is not forever. sad but true: i can't always count on my friends. i've been with my friends for 4 years, and now is the time for me to focus on my family. after all, i do want to have a family of my own one day, and i want my future husband and future children to value this as well.
  • be more thankful :)
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what i learned from watching The Sopranos (so far):
  • you can use the word "fuck" in any fucking sentence
  • i fucking love italian food
  • it is possible to be in a fucking dysfunctional family and get fucking good grades
  • italian women stay fit while their husbands are fucking fat
  • deceit and betrayal is the fucking way to go
  • being in a mob is way fucking cool and even more fucking complicated
  • i need to see a fucking shrink