i now understand why he has been like the way he was. now, i feel bad because i realize that i didn't make things any easier for him; i actually made him feel worse. i was so engrossed with my own activities and so-called priorities that i didn't even think about what he must have been feeling at that time. he was in a difficult stage in his life, with problems here and there regarding his family, financials, education, friends, and work. it's hard not to have anybody to turn to when you want to express yourself, to find someone who will not judge you, to have someone that will just listen. come to think of it, he should have been one of my priorities.

i was supposedly the one he could turn to. but what could i do? i had more important things to attend to-- my family, friends, and school-- were all more important than him. and i rubbed it in his face that he was actually last in that list. what was ironic was that i was the most important thing in his life. in fact, i was the only one he had and could supposedly count on. i was supposedly the one person he could show he true colors to and not be ashamed.

if someone were to ask me if, given that i have the chance and the power, i would make things right between us, i would probably say yes. as my dad would say, "it's not a matter of compatibility; it's how you work things out." but of course things are different. and if i stay true to my dad's words, i could probably make any relationship with whomever work. it would not be easy, but it would be possible.

but i'm not regretting anything. both of us are living different lives now, and i'm genuinely happy for him (and a little jealous-- hehe). it's just sad to feel so lonely, despite the fact that you are actually not alone.

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just to lighten things up: a feel-good song. :)

Lil Star by Kelis

There is nothin’ special about me
I am just a lil star
If it seems like I’m shining, it’s probably
A reflection of something you already are
I forget about myself sometime when there’s so many others around
But deep inside, it feels the darkest and that is where I can always be found
That is where I can always be found - That is where I can always be found

Just keep tryin’ and tryin’
It’s just a matter of time and
Though they grindin’, it’s tirin’
Don’t let it stop you from smilin’

Just keep tryin’ and tryin’
Sooner or later, you’ll find it
And it’s surprisin’ how inspirin’ it is to see you shinin’
‘Cause in the dark of night, you’re all I can see
And you sure look like a star to me

There is nothin’ special about me
I am just a lil star
If you try to reach out and touch me
You’ll see that I’m not really that far
I may not be the brightest nor am I the last one you’ll see
But as long as you notice, that’s just fine with me
Everything’s just fine with me - everything’s just fine with me

Just keep tryin’ and tryin’
It’s just a matter of time and
Though they grindin’, it’s tirin’
Don’t let it stop you from smilin’

Just keep tryin’ and tryin’
Sooner or later, you’ll find it
And it’s surprisin’ how inspirin’ it is to see you shinin’
‘Cause in the dark of night, you’re all I can see
And you sure look like a star to me

There is nothin’ special about me
I am just a lil star
I been runnin’ and jumpin’ but barely gettin’, gettin’ over the bar
I plan on being much more than I am but that’s in due time
But until then, I’m guilty and being human’s my crime
Just being human, that is my crime
Being human, that is my crime

Just keep tryin’ and tryin’
It’s just a matter of time and
Though they grindin’, it’s tirin’
Don’t let it stop you from smilin’

Just keep tryin’ and tryin’
Sooner or later, you’ll find it
And it’s surprisin’ how inspirin’ it is to see you shinin’
‘Cause in the dark of night, you’re all I can see
And you sure look like a star to me