forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit. perhaps someday we will look back upon these things with joy.

i love poetry. i think it's one of the greatest things man has ever discovered. i get teary-eyed whenever i hear a good reading-- i'm funny that way. i used to write stories and essays when i was in sixth grade and first year high school. when i was a junior in high school, i fell in love with poetry. i wrote poetry before, but the ones i used to write were uber-mushy, not to mention uber-rhyming. then i discovered that the lines do not have to rhyme. i not only wrote better, i also expressed my thoughts more clearly. i realize that it has been approximately ten years since i began to use writing as therapy. i even wrote poetry because of this guy i liked so much (or guys-- it doesn't really matter). but i don't really consider myself as a "writer." i don't think i have any real style or method for writing. i just do. i'm not really good with expressing myself clearly anyway. in random blabberings maybe, but not in coherent, organized language, as you can see. i am not a writer; i just write. (this being the same as me painting, but not being an artist. but that's another post.)

isinulat ko ang tulang ito dahil sa isang maganda, natatangi at di sinasadyang pangyayari. tatlong taon na rin ang nakaraan. dahil sa maganda, natatangi at di sinasadyang pangyayari na ito, nananatiling isa sa mga paborito kong gawa ang tulang ito. sa mga makakabasa, sana'y magustuhan niyo rin.

"Tutubi"

Mahirap manghuli ng tutubi.
Kinakailangang dahan-dahan mong ilapit ang iyong sarili upang hindi ito mabigla at lumipad papalayo.

Tiyempo ang susi;
sa tamang pagkakataon mo lamang magagawa ang iyong nais.

Hindi ba't ang saya kapag ito'y nakamit mo na?
Siya'y para sa iyo,
nag-iisa,
natatangi sa iba.

Tandaan: hindi ito itinatali, ikinukulong o sinasaktan.
Kaya nga't pagkatapos ng ilang sandali,
ito'y pinapakawalan.


i miss writing. i miss painting. i miss a lot of things.

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fluctuat nec mergitur. it is tossed by the waves but it does not sink.

i survived my third week of work. to tell the truth, i haven't been alright. i've put off writing this post for three weeks. i guess i was just scared of admitting the truth, putting it into writing. because once you write something down, you cannot deny it anymore or simply erase it. it has become part of the physical world. in other words, it is evidence. it's like when you don't want to say something because you're afraid that the moment you say it aloud, it becomes the truth. but then again, there's no escaping the truth. and for a person who's been billed as "brutally honest," it is even more difficult to supress the truth of what that person is thinking and feeling. so here it goes...

for three weeks now, i have been feeling low, confused, dazed, disappointed, angry, and all of those other negative feelings. i feel that i have sold out. so as to not disappoint others, i have disappointed the most important person in my life: myself.

there is no point getting into the details of the events that have transpired-- i have already done so with a friend who i miss terribly. anyway, i guess the only thing i can do is to face reality. this is hands down the most difficult thing i had to do in my life. being a wallflower while i was growing up was never even an issue. painting Brueghel was a piece of cake. schoolwork was easy. dealing with annoying people everyday i can do. breaking up with benjo was nothing. admitting to saul that i like him (and him not reciprocating or even saying anything) does not even compare. all of those seemingly difficult things i have done in my life do not compare to what i am going through now. i know it sounds petty and immature amidst all the crisis going on and the truth that most people have bigger problems than i do, but i really, truly, absolutely cannot believe i went corporate. this is the antithesis of everything i stood up to, of everything i believed in, of everything that i imagined my life to be. three weeks went by, and i still cannot accept it.

it's just sad. despite the great compensation and benefits i'm getting, i am not happy. money is not everything. and this is why i admire and envy two of my friends who, despite being unemployed, have decided to pursue their dreams, working with what they've got to live the way they are and doing what they love to do. and i am disappointed at myself for selling myself short. i know i should be content with what has been given to me, but how i can i do so when i feel so rotten inside everyday, waking up, dressing in business attire, going to work? this is the very first time in my life that i actually dread the next day. you don't even know how excited i am for fridays because it's the end of the week and i can wear jeans. but then again, when sunday comes, i feel terrible again because i have to go to work the next day. (unlike the majority of children around the globe, i was never like this going to school.) plus, there are no cute guys, or any guy with potential, in the office that can make me at least look forward to going to work (haha). i used to love being in front of my laptop, but now i cringe at the very thought of turning it on in the office (which is ironic because i am typing on it now). robin and i were inseperable. and it's not even a matter of capability-- i know i can do this. i just wanted a whole different life for myself.

but that is actually it. "were," "wanted," "used to," "was." all of those are in the past. i guess i should just stop looking back and focus on the present. the funny thing is, i rant (a lot), but that's basically all that i can do. i can't do anything to change what has happened. i can't just quit. i can't just give up. i am not a quitter. despite everything, i still choose to go on with this. but this is just so hard. i am not a corporate-sales-marketing-computer-technical kind of person.

i'm just me. i-hate-this-job-but-i-am-sticking-with-it me.

perhaps there is another path for me (screw the "perhaps," we all know that god has a plan for us all). i'll probably-- hopefully-- learn to love it, get better at it, or meet a great guy, at the least (hah!). besides, what we may think we want is not necessarily the best for us. things can only get better. suck it in.

forsan miseros meliora sequentur. for those in misery, perhaps better things will follow.