hello, release.
Filed under: my so-called lovelife
last night, i finally got to talk to him about basically everything that's been bothering me. it got rough at the middle, but we managed to work it out, and i'm glad that things are better between us. it's better this way: no strings attached. i told him that i want to cancel that idea of "exclusive, yet no commitment." he said it was my call, and he would go with whatever i decide.
but what surprised me though was how sincere he was. all this time i had been doubting him, the things he do, and the things he say. but last light, i realized that he really meant everything. i can't quite say how came to that thought; i guess it's just something you know. i must admit that i felt guilty for not trusting him; in a way it was my fault that i entered a relationship without trusting (yes, i know. how stupid could i be, right?). it's ironic to think that all this was kind of my fault. In the first place, i was the one who brought up the idea of us being together: on june 18 in mig's car, i uttered the words "so does this mean na tayo na?". stupid girl. i can't even count how many times i've made stupid moves with regard to our relationship. haay. i am so bad at THIS. it's sad AND pathetic, actually.
but you know what? no matter how bad things get, i STILL love IT. and like i said earlier, it's just something i feel and know. at this point, it does not even matter if i make sense or not. i've been asking god to shed some light in this aspect of my life so i can understand IT. but i realized that THIS is something that i can't deduce, analyze, or even put into words, because well, it is not science. or, to put it in other words, it's not something that can be proven by objective means. all the while i have been trying to explain, to reason, to put it in exact terms, when i should have just went with the flow. and in the process, i have been hurting not only him, but myself as well.
there's two kinds of knowledge. First is knowledge from science, that which we know by studying, observing, that which can be proven: phenomena. but there are also things that we know not by empirical means-- things like the value of life, morality, justice and love. halos maiyak na talaga ako nung philo class namin. pari na mismo ang nagsabi na pagdating sa pag-ibig, sundin mo ang nararamdaman mo. tinawanan pa nga ako ni jov nung narinig niya yun.
but the question is: is this IT? i can't tell. it's difficult to say things, to define. i have come to the point where i do not want any definition, because there's always the tendency to assume and jump to conclusions. it's sort of a paradox, come to think of it. the lack of definition makes it ambiguous, yet it's clear. all i'm sure of is that i do want him in my life, and he wants me in his. we like being friends. and if we're lucky, we get to be friends forever. but friends or whatever, we just simply want things to work out. and to quote my dad, "it's not a matter of compatibility, it's how you work things out." we may not be "compatible" in many ways, but there is SOMETHING that binds us together. totally weird and unepected. especially for me.
but well, things are the way they are.
but what surprised me though was how sincere he was. all this time i had been doubting him, the things he do, and the things he say. but last light, i realized that he really meant everything. i can't quite say how came to that thought; i guess it's just something you know. i must admit that i felt guilty for not trusting him; in a way it was my fault that i entered a relationship without trusting (yes, i know. how stupid could i be, right?). it's ironic to think that all this was kind of my fault. In the first place, i was the one who brought up the idea of us being together: on june 18 in mig's car, i uttered the words "so does this mean na tayo na?". stupid girl. i can't even count how many times i've made stupid moves with regard to our relationship. haay. i am so bad at THIS. it's sad AND pathetic, actually.
but you know what? no matter how bad things get, i STILL love IT. and like i said earlier, it's just something i feel and know. at this point, it does not even matter if i make sense or not. i've been asking god to shed some light in this aspect of my life so i can understand IT. but i realized that THIS is something that i can't deduce, analyze, or even put into words, because well, it is not science. or, to put it in other words, it's not something that can be proven by objective means. all the while i have been trying to explain, to reason, to put it in exact terms, when i should have just went with the flow. and in the process, i have been hurting not only him, but myself as well.
there's two kinds of knowledge. First is knowledge from science, that which we know by studying, observing, that which can be proven: phenomena. but there are also things that we know not by empirical means-- things like the value of life, morality, justice and love. halos maiyak na talaga ako nung philo class namin. pari na mismo ang nagsabi na pagdating sa pag-ibig, sundin mo ang nararamdaman mo. tinawanan pa nga ako ni jov nung narinig niya yun.
but the question is: is this IT? i can't tell. it's difficult to say things, to define. i have come to the point where i do not want any definition, because there's always the tendency to assume and jump to conclusions. it's sort of a paradox, come to think of it. the lack of definition makes it ambiguous, yet it's clear. all i'm sure of is that i do want him in my life, and he wants me in his. we like being friends. and if we're lucky, we get to be friends forever. but friends or whatever, we just simply want things to work out. and to quote my dad, "it's not a matter of compatibility, it's how you work things out." we may not be "compatible" in many ways, but there is SOMETHING that binds us together. totally weird and unepected. especially for me.
but well, things are the way they are.
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