lisaisms

i'm in a slump again--a blogging slump, that is. so here i am, taking one thing at a time:

i now want to get into fashion--photography, styling and make-up. (yes, i know that it's so unlike me. hehe.)

being an AE is not for me. i'm just too darn honest, not to mention impatient, pessimistic and unforgiving. i have arrived at the point where i hate having to talk to clients (which, ironically, is my primary job). i used to think that i this job was handed to me because i need it--because i need to learn patience, etc. but now i think it's just here to annoy me (kidding). anyway, you live and learn: this job's just not for me.

therefore, I'M FOR HIRE (again). will do almost anything for money. compensation is negotiable.

i miss a lot of things (again) lately: being with friends, studying something, having the courage to say and do the things that i want to, believing that i made the right decision.

needless to say (but i'm saying it anyway-- damn another cliche), i've been in an emotional fuckfest for some days now and i can't blame it on my period.

i think that i may be losing my touch with movies. hope not.

i finished reading Candide by Voltaire a few days ago. great book. wanted to write about it. hope i can think of something.

i'm broke.

and of course i just had to come across this song:

Test Pattern by The Thermals

I believe, I believe
I could see, I could see
forever in my hand

but I believe, I believe
I could leave and if you notice
then you would understand

and so I feel alone
wide and low
I feel you suffering sad

cause I believe, I believe
I could see, I could see
forever in my hand

so you can call this a test pattern
so you don't have to commit
so you could change any day

I believe, I believe
you could see, you could see
me forever by his side

and I believe, I believe
if you leave, if you leave
I will cry, I will cry, I will cry
why do I feel so crazy now
why am I losing my mind

cause I believe, I believe
you could see me forever by his side

still you can call this a test pattern
so you don't have to commit
so you can change any day

i finally got this template to work!!! :)

still a few bugs to figure out though...

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[warning: mushpit and angstgarden ahead]


i have been thinking about him a lot recently. i hate it. he's on my mind all the freaking time. i think about us: where we are and where we're headed. and it hurts.

i like him A LOT. i like us A LOT. i knew from the start that this isn't going to be easy. i knew that it's probably a bad decision for us to be this way. but what did i do? nothing. did i say anything? no. and after several weeks, i am like other girls. i got attached. but i'm not really surprised.

unfortunately, i feel that i'm alone in this. i may be ready, but he's not. heck, i don't even think that he wants something more than what we have now. then again, i don't blame him; it is me, after all. he probably realizes how difficult it is to be with me. (wow. it's me liking a person who doesn't like me back. what a surprise.)

honestly, my heart aches when i think about him. it really freakin' hurts. it's the crushing feeling all over again. and i feel that if this goes on any longer i'll freakin' BREAK.


whew.

nevermind that Rain's there (still, ewww at the thought). this is one of the most enjoyable films i've ever watched. :)

Here he comes
Here comes Speed Racer
He's a demon on wheels
He's a demon and he's gonna be chasin' after someone

He's gainin' on you
So you better look alive
He's busy revvin' up the powerful Mach 5
And when the odds are against him
And there's dangerous work to do
You bet your life Speed Racer will see it through
Go Speed Racer
Go Speed Racer
Go Speed Racer, GO!

He's off and flyin'
As he guns the car around the track
He's jammin' down the pedal
Like he's never comin' back
Adventure's waitin' just ahead
Go Speed Racer
Go Speed Racer
Go Speed Racer, GO!

i'm not really sure if this is an appropriate title for what i would be posting (because i'm really not sure what the heck i want to write about)--i just felt like using it.

anyway, i decided to just go with enumerated rambling (if that makes sense).

1. it's amazing how he can read me through my dreams. never should've told him about them. spoils the fun.
   
2. i hate how people are going loco over lomo. i really can't understand what the all the fuss is about.
3. i'm apparently addicted.
4. everyone's copying dave hill. tsk tsk.
   
5. i want to resign. (yes, again.)
6. i've decided to quit smoking. (yes, again.)
7. sad: now that i want to commit, nothing and no one's there to be commited to.

seven's a good number. i'll stop here.

I. Living Room

We were all gathered in his living room which had a wall of mirrors on one side and wide open windows on the other. I was sitting on the arm of the sofa and as I scanned the area, I felt this warmth inside—the kind of warmth you get when you’re in a huge family reunion, the feeling when you know that you’re at least part of something.

He said that this was probably the second-most happiest day of his life, being with all our family and friends. I just sat there on the left arm of the sofa. It was dark brown. Or black.

He told them about the day we met. He was at a meeting on the something-eth floor of so-and-so building when his beloved teddybear (whose name I forgot) flew out the window. I was in front of the building when that happened, and of course, picked up the bow-tied bear which now had a bloody forehead, thinking how peculiar, a bear out of nowhere. I remember staring at the bear, blood running on this face, looking up and seeing an out-of-breath man saying “Fuck”.

The people went “Aww...”

I don’t think they really understood the story.


II. Kitchen

We were all gathered in the bedroom, telling our stories and laughing at them. I had my back to the floor and my legs on the door. There was a knock on the door and it was Tita (the Tagalog word for “aunt”), who asked one of us girls to help her cook. Of course, only one of us was actually capable, so she got up.

Tita was talking to a tall man in a black suit (I don’t know who that was because his back was turned). Tita moves a lot when she talks, and when she turned to her left, her eyes went wide and she ran.

The kitchen is not your typical square-ish kind of room. It was rectangular, a hallway joining two rooms. The floor was covered in blood.

Something was apparently off. Tita entered the kitchen running, panting, and slipping. I do not know what exactly happened—maybe she hit her head on the counter—but when she sat on the floor with her back to the cabinet, her hand fell in a way that you know that she’s dead. The walls were covered in blood.

There was a bloody hand (I’m not sure whether it was a right or a left) on the bloody floor. It was just a hand. I thought it was she-who-knows-how-to-cook’s hand, but she was also on the floor with both of her hands still intact. She sat on the floor with a cleaver in her hand and blood all over. She turned to the hand which was on her left, supported her body with her left elbow on the floor, and started chopping. The kitchen was covered in blood.


III. Aquarium

Everyone was gathered in the apartment. The investigation began as soon as they found out about the blood. They said that when the police came, the place was already flooded. That is an understatement; it is an aquarium. You had to be in diving gear to be able to survey the area.

Books, the globe, the sofa—the only things missing were corals and those things with fins and scales. I remember because I flipped through the pages of one book on the sidetable in the living room.

The apartment is located at one end of the floor. The police sealed the doors of the other units and created a dam. The apartment is on the something-eth floor of the so-and-so building. The windows were opened simultaneously by the divers, washing away the books, the globe, the sofa and everything else which didn’t have fins and scales onto the street below.

I thought it was stupid, because you can’t simply clean everything and make it go away.