lisaisms

i finally told my parents about The Plan. a long talk-- with me crying the whole time. the basic points of our conversation:

1. i am lucky to have what i have now.
   
2. i have to have options (at least 3 or 4).
   
3. i should not just drop everything.
4. they are not angry-- just disappointed. very disappointed.
5. they will not support me financially anymore. (and this i already know).
   
6. i should be practical yet mindful of myself.
7. finding work is very very very difficult.

so there. basically there was nothing new. i thought about this for a very long time. and even if i'm not sure of what i want exactly, at least i know what i DON'T want. and despite the crying and them not listening to my feelings, i still feel a lot better. the next difficult thing to do is actually finding options.

Dying is an art.
Like everything else,
I do it exceptionally well.
I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I have a call.

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One day I'll have my death of him.

-----

You think I'll weep.
No, I shall not weep:
I'll have full cause of weeping:
but this heart shall break
into a hundred thousand flaws,
or ere I'll weep. O fool, I shall go mad!

-----

I'll so offend to make offense a skill,
redeeming time
when men think least I will.

-----

"But I think you've frightened her, and that's why she likes you."

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"Destroy! Destroy! Destroy!",
hums the underconsciousness.
"Love and produce! Love and produce!"
cackles the upperconsciousness.
And the world hears only
the 'love and produce' cackle.
Refuses to hear the hum
of destruction underneath...
until such time as it
will have to hear.

-----

"Sometimes I feel like I'm not... solid. I'm hollow. There's... nothing behind my eyes. I'm a negative of a person. It's as if I never-- I never thought of anything. I never wrote... anything, I never felt anything. All I want is blackness-- blackness and silence."

-----

"We're not even two people. Even before we met, we were just... these two halves... walking around with big... gaping holes in us shaped like the other person. And then we found each other and we were finally a whole. But then it's as if we couldn't stand being happy, so we ripped-- we ripped ourselves in half again."

-----

The box is locked.
It is dangerous.
There are no windows,
so I can't see what is in there.
There is only a little grid.
No exit.

i knew i shouldn't have watched this in the state i'm in. good movie though. gwyneth paltrow rocks.

i now understand why he has been like the way he was. now, i feel bad because i realize that i didn't make things any easier for him; i actually made him feel worse. i was so engrossed with my own activities and so-called priorities that i didn't even think about what he must have been feeling at that time. he was in a difficult stage in his life, with problems here and there regarding his family, financials, education, friends, and work. it's hard not to have anybody to turn to when you want to express yourself, to find someone who will not judge you, to have someone that will just listen. come to think of it, he should have been one of my priorities.

i was supposedly the one he could turn to. but what could i do? i had more important things to attend to-- my family, friends, and school-- were all more important than him. and i rubbed it in his face that he was actually last in that list. what was ironic was that i was the most important thing in his life. in fact, i was the only one he had and could supposedly count on. i was supposedly the one person he could show he true colors to and not be ashamed.

if someone were to ask me if, given that i have the chance and the power, i would make things right between us, i would probably say yes. as my dad would say, "it's not a matter of compatibility; it's how you work things out." but of course things are different. and if i stay true to my dad's words, i could probably make any relationship with whomever work. it would not be easy, but it would be possible.

but i'm not regretting anything. both of us are living different lives now, and i'm genuinely happy for him (and a little jealous-- hehe). it's just sad to feel so lonely, despite the fact that you are actually not alone.

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just to lighten things up: a feel-good song. :)

Lil Star by Kelis

There is nothin’ special about me
I am just a lil star
If it seems like I’m shining, it’s probably
A reflection of something you already are
I forget about myself sometime when there’s so many others around
But deep inside, it feels the darkest and that is where I can always be found
That is where I can always be found - That is where I can always be found

Just keep tryin’ and tryin’
It’s just a matter of time and
Though they grindin’, it’s tirin’
Don’t let it stop you from smilin’

Just keep tryin’ and tryin’
Sooner or later, you’ll find it
And it’s surprisin’ how inspirin’ it is to see you shinin’
‘Cause in the dark of night, you’re all I can see
And you sure look like a star to me

There is nothin’ special about me
I am just a lil star
If you try to reach out and touch me
You’ll see that I’m not really that far
I may not be the brightest nor am I the last one you’ll see
But as long as you notice, that’s just fine with me
Everything’s just fine with me - everything’s just fine with me

Just keep tryin’ and tryin’
It’s just a matter of time and
Though they grindin’, it’s tirin’
Don’t let it stop you from smilin’

Just keep tryin’ and tryin’
Sooner or later, you’ll find it
And it’s surprisin’ how inspirin’ it is to see you shinin’
‘Cause in the dark of night, you’re all I can see
And you sure look like a star to me

There is nothin’ special about me
I am just a lil star
I been runnin’ and jumpin’ but barely gettin’, gettin’ over the bar
I plan on being much more than I am but that’s in due time
But until then, I’m guilty and being human’s my crime
Just being human, that is my crime
Being human, that is my crime

Just keep tryin’ and tryin’
It’s just a matter of time and
Though they grindin’, it’s tirin’
Don’t let it stop you from smilin’

Just keep tryin’ and tryin’
Sooner or later, you’ll find it
And it’s surprisin’ how inspirin’ it is to see you shinin’
‘Cause in the dark of night, you’re all I can see
And you sure look like a star to me